Dauntless (Sons of Templar MC #5)(79)

Asher had been careful around me since everything, keeping his distance as if he sensed my reluctance to have strong and dangerous males in my presence. Even now, he stayed leaning against the door.

I tried my best for a jaunty grin. “Jeez, ever heard of sarcasm? It’d be valuable to learn the distinction. I’d hate to think of the amount of people you’ve shot unnecessarily.”

He shook his head, not smiling. Then his face turned even more serious. “I’m proud of you, Bex.”

I gaped at him. “Proud of me?”

He nodded, walking forward to the windows to regard the wild ocean like I had been before. “For still findin’ the ability to say shit like that. For figurin’ out a way not to run back to the easy way out, even though no one would blame you if you did.” He turned to face me. “For getting through.”

I blinked at him. “Your pride is a little premature. I’m not exactly ‘through’ yet. I’m barely past the starting line.”

“You’ll get there,” he said with certainty.

Before this could get any deeper and we stared braiding each other’s hair, Lily came through with plates. She eyed us both. “I’ve got pie,” she declared.

“Then I’ll totally marry you if you ever decide to leave your biker and jump the fence,” I deadpanned.

She grinned at me. “Sorry, I kind of like him.”

Asher moved to his wife, taking the plates and setting them down so he could yank her into his arms and kiss her hair.

It was like a f*cking shampoo commercial, the two of them so attractive and shit.

“Yeah, I kind of like him too,” I muttered.

Asher let her go and gave me a small smile. “I’ll go and watch the game, let you girls talk about… girl shit,” he said.

Lily rolled her eyes. “Girl shit?” she asked dangerously.

He motioned to the living room. “I’m leaving before any blood is spilled.”

He left and I laughed. Some of it was even genuine.

I took the pie Lily handed me. “He’s totally scared of you. The big biker who most likely chews bullets for fun is totally scared of his little wife.”

She grinned at me, chewing the pie. “It’s how any marriage should be,” she declared sagely.

I wanted to grin back, but I’d used up all my faux happiness for the night.

“I want it,” I confessed.

Lily focused on me, her face soft. “What, honey?”

“Everything,” I whispered. “I want to have some dumb nickname that only one man calls me and it mean everything. I also want my own name and not be belittled by a stupid term of endearment. I want to give my everything to him at the same time as owning every part of myself. I want him to take care of me and I never want to entrust my own survival to anyone else.” I blinked away the tears. “I want to sleep without nightmares. Heck, I just want to sleep. An entire night. I’m so f*cking tired. I want to embrace oblivion without the fear of my own mind, and I want to do it the only place I feel safe, next to him. But I also want to be able to sleep that entire night alone with my demons and find a way to conquer them myself.” A single tear trailed down the side of my face. “But most of all, I want him. Pure and simple. And I’d give anything I have or will have to feel worthy of him. To be able to have him without feeling dirty and tarnished when I have him.”

Lily blinked at me and moved forward like she wanted to hug me, but caught herself when she realized my body stiffened at the potential contact. “You’re not dirty. Or tarnished,” she declared fiercely. “You’re strong. You’re my best friend. And you’re not allowed to say things like that. Ever. Not when you’re wrong. I’m so effing proud of you, Bex. I know for a fact Mom would be too,” she choked out, her eyes glistening.

I swallowed. “You and your hubby have one mind or something?” I asked, trying to break the tension. I couldn’t deal with all the pride and inspirational talk.

She tilted her head, looking confused, but then her eyes focused on the doorway, going wide.

“If that’s the president coming to tell me how proud he is, can you tell him to come back tomorrow?” I asked, taking a bite of my pie.

There was silence and I turned.

Gabriel was leaning in the doorway, much like Asher had. But his posture wasn’t easy, relaxed. He was the stranger who had showed at my door a week ago. The one I dreamed of. The one I craved.

“What are you doing here?” I managed to choke out.

“You weren’t at home. Rosie said you were here. So I’m here,” he explained, his voice rough.

“That’s not an answer,” I snapped. “Did Gage tell you I was here?”

He stiffened. “No,” he said slowly. “How the f*ck does Gage know you’re here?”

I sensed the danger in his voice. “He doesn’t,” I lied. “Why are you here?” I repeated.

“You’re here. I’m here. That’s the only answer I got,” he said. He glanced at Lily. “Can you give us a minute, squirt?”

She glanced to me in unease.

I resisted the urge to use her as a human shield. “I’m fine, babe,” I lied.

She furrowed her brows before getting up. “I’ll just be inside,” she said. “Watching the game or fighting with Asher over the remote.”