Dauntless (Sons of Templar MC #5)(17)

It wasn’t what it did to me but what it did to Lily that had me determined to stop leaning on her and take care of myself. The light that had only just come back to her pretty face was dimmed, and her dark circles rivaled mine. I didn’t miss that her hunky biker hadn’t been around. That could have been because I’d sworn her to secrecy, but I suspected she had further descended into martyrdom by sending him away. Sacrificing her happiness once more in order to take care of someone else.

So not good enough.

She had to work and I was planning on calling Asher and demanding he get his tight biker ass down there. I’d even lay my broken troubles at his feet if he needed convincing, which I was sure he didn’t. He loved Lily; any idiot could see that. The f*cker had waited for her for three years. Because he loved her, I was almost certain he’d try and get rid of me once he saw just how much I’d tainted his girl.

Rightly so.

I’d tarnished her but was too selfish to send myself away because that would mean I would be alone. Truly alone. What I had been before I’d met Lily, before I dropped out of medical school. I’d be that damaged little girl who’d had her innocence ripped from her, and the whole world would swallow me back up.

But Asher was already putting up with enough. I’d brought Dylan into Lily’s life and he’d hurt her. That was on me. Now I’d introduced her to more demons.

My own.

“Lils, I’m going to be fine,” I tried to reassure her. “I’m not going to run off for a fix the second you leave. You need to go to work, I know you do. I’ll be okay, seriously.” I was determined not to relapse, but I didn’t trust myself. Not really.

And that scared the f*cking shit out of me. I had an enemy, one hell-bent on my destruction. And that enemy was me.

Lily chewed her lip, furrowing her brows together. Then her face cleared. “How about you don’t worry about me and try and get some sleep?” she said softly.

I frowned at her. “I’ll sleep when you sleep.”

I was exhausted. Was there another word beyond exhausted? Because if there was, I was that. My body was going through hell being deprived of the poison it had been surviving on. I was literally rejecting being clean. And I couldn’t sleep. The moment I tried to escape the sickness and welcome oblivion, they crept back in, those taunting voices that urged me to give up.

Just one last hit.

You’re never going to last.

You’ll never be clean.

It took every single inch of willpower I possessed to ignore them.

Lily smiled at me, and even with bags under her eyes and wearing ratty leggings she looked like a f*cking Victoria’s Secret model. I was reasonably sure I looked like exactly what I was, a f*cking train wreck. My hair was greasy, as I could barely stand long enough to shower, let alone wash my hair. Because I couldn’t keep food down, weight was melting off me; I could see the bones in my wrists protruding. I was wearing an oversized Metallica tee and fluffy socks. It was all the weight I could take on my body. Any more was cement on my back.

“Okay, how about we both take a cat nap?” she decided. “You always feel better after a nap.

I yanked the throw up to my chin. “Or you wake up wondering what year it is,” I muttered.

Lily laughed, a horrible, forced sound that fractured another piece of me.

“Sleep, Bex,” she whispered, her face wiped of that terrible fake cheer. The sad, defeated look was almost as bad, but at least it was real. She squeezed my hand. “You’ll get through this.”

I gave her a fake smile of my own. “Sure I will,” I lied. She went to pull away but I kept my grip on her hand. “Thanks, Lils,” I choked out. “For everything.”

She smiled again. “That’s what friends are for. Now sleep.”

She let me go and I resigned myself to fighting against cravings instead of welcoming oblivion. I got a delightful surprise when sleep came the second I closed my eyes.

The surprise was short-lived, however, because with sleep came nightmares.





Chapter Four





“When you’re going through Hell, keep going.”

-Winston Churchill



“Are you sure you don’t mind staying?” a voice whispered.

“Of course I don’t mind. You’re actually doing me a favor. This guy seemed to find my address and he seems to think we have a date tonight. I’m happy to be anywhere but in the vicinity of my place,” a different voice answered.

“Okay, just call me if anything happens and if she….” Lily’s voice trailed off and she cleared her throat. “If she gets sick, just call me.”

I tried to shake off sleep but it was too tempting to stay in the realm of half wakefulness, so the hurt in Lily’s voice didn’t hit me fully.

“She’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. I’ve got Pop-Tarts and Magic Mike. Nothing bad can happen when they’re around. Now go.” The woman’s voice was familiar, from somewhere.

“Okay. Thanks so much for doing this, seriously.”

“Yes, you’re welcome. I’m amazing and we both know it. You can thank me by calling that idiot biker and restoring my faith in love and happiness.”

There was a pause. “Okay, bye.”

“Toodles.”