Conviction(24)

Sophie’s suddenly beside me. She takes the remote out of my hand and must press mute, just as an image of Conner, then Jet Harrison appear on the screen. Sophie takes my hand and tries to lead me over to my sofa, but I snatch my hand away. The room, or is it me, is swaying and I can feel the sweat on my top lip despite the fact that I suddenly feel freezing cold.

I look at Sophie and shake my head, terrified of what she’s about to tell me. My mouth is hanging open, my eyes fixed, but not focused on her and I have the sensation of pins and needles all over my body. I’m trying desperately to make sense of what I’m seeing on the screen.

Conner.

Something’s happened.

Something’s happened, to my Conner.

All that’s going through my head, over and over is…

No.

Oh God.

Please no.

Not Conner.

I don’t want this to be true.

I don’t know what it is, but I don’t want it to be bad.

Oh God.

Oh God.

“What? What is it Soph? What’s happened? I don’t… Soph, please tell me what’s happened?”

“Neen, they’re reporting that a body has been found in a hotel room shared by Conner and Jet. Nothing at all has been confirmed yet, but that’s what’s being reported.”

I shake my head at her. I know it’s been fifteen years, but I’d know. Don’t ask me how, but I just know that if anything were to happen to him, I’d know, I’d feel it. I continue shaking my head, my mouth opening and closing, but no words coming out.

“Where? Where is this? Where are they?” I point at the television screen. The huge, enormous sixty inch, curved television screen is Marcus’s pride and joy. His newest toy, but right now, I want to put my fist through the f*cking thing. If the images stop, if I can’t see the pictures or hear the reporters then it won’t be true. It can’t be true!

“Chicago babe. Shift’s tour ended there last night.” I shiver involuntarily. I’m freezing now, icy cold.

“Sit down, Neen. I’m gonna run up and get you a hoodie or something. Then I’ll pour us a wine.” I stare at her and give my head a small shake again, or is it a nod? I don’t know, I can’t think straight. I don’t sit down, I remain standing in the middle of the room, staring at the television.

I hear Sophie’s footsteps as she runs back down the stairs. Her phone rings at the same time as she passes me my hoodie. I pull it over my head and actually feel colder for the first few seconds that I’m wearing it, and I’m not sure if it’s a shiver or an uncontrollable shake that rattles through me.

“Yeah, we’re watching now,” I hear Sophie saying into her phone from the kitchen, where she’s gone to pour us a wine.

“Nina, I’m at her house now… hang on a sec.”

She walks back into my lounge carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. I watch her intently, anything but look back at that bloody television screen.

“Neen, please sit down, hun. You’re standing there like a weirdo.” She steers me over to the sofa and forces me to sit. I keep staring at her while she sits down and continues with her phone call.

“Do you know any more than what they’re saying on the telly?” I don’t know who she’s talking to, but I’m hoping it’s her brother Josh. Maybe with his connections, he might know something.

“Oh, really? Fuck Josh.” Her eyes come up to meet mine, but they give me nothing.

Josh runs his own events management company. He organises global tours for some of the world’s biggest bands and artists. His company organises various events and promotions at club openings, film premiere after parties and all sorts of other occasions where a celebration might be needed. He’d done really well for himself, rubbing shoulders with the world's rich and famous and I knew that he’d kept in contact with Conner over the years. They used to be really close. Josh was away on a skiing trip that New Year when everything fell apart and Conner was sent to prison. I know that he used to visit him every couple of weeks, but when I didn’t hear anything back after pouring my heart out in the two letters I’d asked Josh to pass on to him, I just stayed away from Sophie’s house for a while. I stayed away from everyone and everything really. I became a bit of a recluse… sat at home, stayed in my room, ate crap and piled on the weight. Once I made the decision to leave school and get a job, I came back to life a little bit. Working in the hairdressers and dealing with the public was good for me and especially good for my self-confidence, which had been hovering around level zero after Conner had left me. Added to that was my mother constantly telling me I needed to lose some weight. My brother also joined in that chant, making snide comments whenever he was visiting my parents’ house. All of which made me retreat to my bedroom and just eat more crap.

“Yeah, I will do. Call me as soon as you hear anything. Love your face too. Bye.”

My eyelids suddenly felt heavy, the adrenalin had slowed and now I just wanted to sleep.

Sophie pours us both a glass of wine and slumps back into the sofa opposite me.

I watch her, really not sure if I want her to tell me what Josh has said or if I just want to leave this room, go up to bed and sleep soundly for a few hours, waking up to find that this has all been a bad dream.

“The only thing he knows for sure is that it’s a band member, and the body was found in Jet and Conner’s room.”