Confessions of a Bad Boy(61)

“What now?” I say, exasperated.

“Have you spoken to him?” she asks carefully, as if bracing for my response.

I don’t need to ask who she’s talking about. “Since we argued last week? Nope. I haven’t contacted him, and he hasn’t contacted me. End of story. Good riddance.”

“Oh, Jessie.”

My tough guy act obviously isn’t working. “Lorelei, if you get any more motherly you’re going to lay an egg.”

“I’m just really worried about all this.”

“Well I’m not,” I insist, holding my head up to add to the defiance of my words. “My responsibility is to take care of myself now, and my…future.”

“But Nate’s the father! You have to at least tell him!”

“I will. When I’m ready. I just…I need to figure out the best way to do that. It’s not exactly a convenient time to drop that bombshell. ‘Hey Nate, I’m still pissed off that you don’t want to be f*ckbuddies anymore, but I thought I’d mention that you got me pregnant. Have a good day, *’.”

“I’m sure it won’t go like that.”

“Won’t it?” I say, leaning back a little for the waiter to set my food in front of me. “Thanks,” I tell him. As soon as he turns his back, I grab a few fries, dip them in the ranch dressing, and stuff them into my mouth, flashing Lorelei a thumbs-up as I chew. “Listen. Nate is Nate, and I know he doesn’t want this – a baby isn’t going to change who he is.”

“Maybe it will,” Lorelei implores. “It’s changed you a little.”

“But I’m ready to change, I’m happy to change. I have my shit together. Nate is still the same guy he was when we were teenagers,” I say, pausing only to put another fry in my mouth. “I don’t want even the smallest chance of him feeling guilt-tripped into getting back together with me because of a baby. That would be the worst thing for everyone – especially the kid.”

Lorelei nods empathetically. “I get that.”

“And then there’s Kyle,” I continue. “I’ll tell him the truth, but I need to pick the right moment.”

“Maybe the right moment is sooner rather than later?”

I look at Lorelei and let my shoulders drop. “I don’t know,” I say, looking down at my food like ignoring the question will get rid of the problem.

Lorelei eyes me like I just told her I decided to drop out of high school to become a stripper. I take a big bite of my sandwich and try to calm myself by focusing on the taste of chili mayo.

“Maybe Nate will surprise you, Jessie. He seems like a nice guy, the kind of guy who’d step up if he was asked to.”

I quickly swallow and wipe my lips, eager to put that idea to bed.

“No way. Uh-uh. Trust me, Nate is not that guy. He nearly vomited when he saw me with a Babies ’R Us catalogue I brought home so I could look for a baby shower present for my coworker. And he’s made it very clear that when it comes to family, the only end he sees is full of misery, obligation, and resentment. That’s not someone I want to raise a child with.”

“That bad?”

I nod, and then shrug a little, softening. “I mean, I get it. He had a rough childhood. It didn’t leave him with the most positive view on family life. But even without that, Nate’s a player. He’s always been on the hunt for something – someone – new. Our little ‘thing’ was pretty much the longest he’s ever been with one girl, and that didn’t even last two months.”

Lorelei turns away, looking about as sad as I should be feeling.

“People can change,” she says, her voice hopeful. “Especially when the stakes are so high. You should at least give him a chance.”

I stare at Lorelei and try to hold back the welling of emotion inside of me. Whether she realizes it or not, the last thing I need right now is to delude myself into something stupid, into hoping for a future, or expecting anything more from Nate than great sex.

“Honestly, Lorelei, even if Nate did tell me he wanted to try, I’d be an idiot to believe him. There’s no way I see it working out.”

“Jessie, don’t be so harsh—”

“I’m not. I’m being realistic. Nate got with me because he really wanted to f*ck me – and I wanted it too – but it wasn’t because he appreciated me as a person, or our friendship, it was just that his desire was big enough to make him forget about consequences. Then, when I wanted to make it just a little more serious, he ran off like I had threatened his life. Add in the fact that he treats the idea of having children like a terminal disease, and forgive me if I assume he won’t turn into dad of the year overnight.”

Lorelei slumps back into her chair and grabs her milkshake for comfort, eyeing me like I’m a lost puppy. I weigh everything in my mind and finally let out a deep sigh.

“Okay. Fine.” I smile tightly, giving into Lorelei’s pleas even if I don’t fully agree with her logic. “I promise I’ll tell Nate about the baby next time I see him. Or at least – I’ll try. Alright?” Even if I hate the idea, it feels good to have made my decision.

“I’m glad,” she says, “and I’ll be here for you, regardless of how he reacts. I’ll make sure you don’t need anyone else.”