Confessions of a Bad Boy(54)

I roll my eyes. “I’m sure people were upset.”

“You bet they were,” Lorelei says, too enthusiastic to recognize my sarcasm. “It caused a total frenzy. People were all, ‘Where did he go?’ ‘Is he dead?’ ‘Did he settle down?’ The internet blew up over him for a while, trying to track him down and figure out who he really was. People posted thinkpieces about how he was a symbol of moral decay in this country. Then thinkpieces about the thinkpieces saying he was some pioneer of a new kind of sexuality. Disappearing only made people want him more.”

“Were there any articles that said he might just be a pathetic guy who screws girls who don’t know better and then brags about it online like a douchebag?”

Lorelei brushes my comment aside with a roll of her eyebrows before continuing.

“Anyway, then he came back suddenly – and with a bang. I mean, he was a sexy beast before, but now?” Lorelei makes as if she’s fanning herself. “You can just see it, he’s really getting down and dirty now. Something’s changed – and let me tell you, I like it.”

Lorelei exhales deeply then smiles as if just talking about him has made her hot, before turning back to assaulting her fruit.

“I don’t get it,” I say, after a moment of really trying to understand. “What is he even talking about on there? It can’t just be all bragging, what’s the point of that?”

“Well,” Lorelei says, to the sound of chopping, “last night, for instance, he posted an amazing tutorial video about anal sex. If all guys did it like that, no girl would ever say no.”

“Huh,” I say, wondering at the coincidence for a second. “Is that all? Because I bet I can find you a dozen guys sitting in bars tonight who are probably talking about that.”

Lorelei huffs at my sarcasm. “It’s not just sex, Jessie. He gets it. He can take something like anal sex and make it sound passionate, forbidden, exciting. It’s not like he’s about just ‘sticking this, there’ – when he talks he makes it about power, about opening your boundaries with another person and trusting them, about embracing your nasty, dark, repressed inner self and allowing someone else to as well. And, of course, he’s unbelievably hot.”

“Right,” I groan dismissively.

Lorelei shakes her head as she scoops the rinds from the counter into her hand.

“What are you guys talking about?” Nate says, entering the kitchen while wrestling with his tie.

“The inexplicably continuing success of ‘Confessions of a Bad Boy,’” I say, cynically looking at Lorelei.

Nate turns away as he grabs his espresso and takes a long sip, then looks at us.

“Who’s that?”

“You don’t know the ‘Bad Boy’?” Lorelei says, gazing at Nate with a mixture of disappointment and disbelief. “How the hell can both of you not know? What have you been doing? Wait, don’t actually answer that. Dumb question.”

Nate glances at me for an explanation and I hold my palms up in a gesture saying ‘don’t ask.’

“Okay,” he says slowly. “Well, thank you for the coffee, Lorelei,” he says, raising the cup towards her before draining it, setting it in the sink, and grabbing me. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Mm,” I hum as we kiss just deeply enough not to offend Lorelei.

He spins away and leaves.

“I should get going too,” I say to Lorelei as she drizzles a little honey onto her fruit salad.

“Jessie,” Lorelei says slowly, turning from her salad to look at me directly.

“Yeah?” I say, noticing her seriousness.

“What exactly are you going to do? About you and Nate? Is this still a casual thing? Because it doesn’t seem like it.”

Suddenly a thousand thoughts that I’ve turned over a million times flood through my mind. I open my mouth, an automatic response ready. The response I’ve told myself whenever I’ve asked myself this question. With a friend like Lorelei, though, you realize it’s easier to lie to yourself than to say it out loud.

I hang my head and let the thoughts clear, leaving the truth behind, the truth that’s been there all along but which I’ve been covering up.

“I think I’m falling in love with him.”

Lorelei sighs deeply before coming closer to me and leaning forward sympathetically.

“Jessie…” she says softly, not for any other reason than to let me know she’s listening.

I look up at her, and the kindness in her eyes lets me know I can speak my mind.

“It’s still complicated. But I know he feels the same, even if we haven’t exactly talked about it, and at some point I do have to tell Kyle. We’ve got to come clean eventually.”

Lorelei’s face is pained, and she shakes her head slowly.

“No judgment here, but I don’t think that’s smart, Jessie.”

“What else can we do? We can’t sneak around like this forever. It’s only because Kyle’s on another business trip now that we’ve been able to relax like this. Maybe Kyle will understand.”

Lorelei bites her lip, thinking. “We both know that won’t happen, Jess. Kyle is about as predictable as they get. He’ll knock Nate out, then chew you out. He’d never forgive either of you. You’d lose a brother, a boyfriend, maybe even both. I want this to work for you, but…”