Confessions of a Bad Boy(42)

When we get to the door, a tired-looking guy does his best to smile and then opens it for us. A wall of sound emerges the second he does, a million screeching voices, cackled laughter, obnoxious shouts. It sounds like hell itself. I feel it in my gut, and I’m drained before I even step across the threshold. That was another thing about my father’s parties: everyone wanted to be heard, and the result sounded like a thousand maniacs on a sinking boat.

I swap a quick glance with Jessie, her ever-calm face showing the first cracks of anxiety, and then I take her hand and we go inside.

The sound is one thing, the visual assault is a whole other level. Anywhere else and my extended family – along with the people who associate with them – would be the flashiest people in the room. Here, they meld into a giant mass of oversized jewelry, zebra prints, gravity-defying bouffants, and botox. It’s like a theme party for the worst fashion excesses of the twentieth century. In my simple, tailored suit and Jessie’s jeans and shirt we may as well be camouflaged.

“Sequins, sequins, everywhere,” Jessie mumbles in awe as I grip her hand tighter and pull her through the crowd, ducking and weaving like we’re making our way through a war zone.

“Nate? Nate! Is that you?” I hear a second before one of my step-brothers appears in front of me and puts a hand on my chest to stop me from leaving.

I shoot Jessie a look as if to say ‘first obstacle of the evening.’

“Hey, Kenny.”

“It’s really you!” the young guy in the tank top and big chain says. “Hey, Sam! Isaac!” he calls out across the room, like a mating call.

I raise a hand to stop him.

“No need for that. I’m just here to say happy birthday to my dad.”

“Nate! Do you remember when we used to go to those Raiders games together?”

Sam and Isaac – two clones of Kenny - join us and give me vigorous bro-hugs.

“Dude! Nate!”

“Do you remember?” Kenny repeats.

“I don’t think that was me,” I reply.

“Sure it was! We used to go all the time!”

“Nope,” I say, shaking my head and squeezing Jessie’s hand. “Pretty sure that wasn’t me.”

“Hey,” Kenny says, leaning in. “Is it true that you’re the man in Hollywood now? People are saying you made that Megan Wolf movie and all kinds of shit.”

“I didn’t make it. I just represent her.”

“Oh shit!” Sam says, patting Kenny on the back.

“Bro! You represent Megan Wolf? Hook me up, bro!”

“I told you, dog! Nate is the f*cking man!”

The three of them start backslapping and talking among each other until I lose track of which is which. I debate introducing them to Jessie, but judging by the way she’s cowering behind me, I have a feeling she wouldn’t thank me. Plus, I’d hate to put her in their hands like that – she’d never make it out of here unscathed by their crude jokes and bad come-ons.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go find my dad, I’ll see you—”

“Yo, hold up hold up! We got a proposition for you, Nate dog!”

“Yeah! A proposition, dog. You’re gonna love it.”

“How about we go out back smoke a little green and we can fill you in, huh? Just like old times, right Nate?”

“Um…you know what? Sounds f*cking good. Let me just say hello to my dad and then I’ll head out back and find you guys. How does that sound?”

“Awesome!”

“You’re the man, Nate! You’re gonna love what we got. I swear.”

I give them a nod and step away into the crowd, pulling Jessie along behind me.

“What was that about?” Jessie asks once we’re moving again.

“They have a rap group. They give me their mixtape every time I see them.”

“Wow, really?”

“It’s about as listenable as fingers on a chalkboard. They give hip hop a bad name.”

“They seem pretty into you, though.”

I stop and look right at her, then pull her away into a corner.

“Everyone’s into me here, Jessie. The one thing that’s worse than being an ignored kid is being a successful talent agent at a party full of relatives trying to get into the business. The three amigos are only the start of it, because as soon as people start realizing I’m here it’ll be like the world’s most embarrassing talent show. Last year my cousin Alexa seized the PA and forced everyone to listen to her sing the complete works of Celine Dion acapella ’cause she thought I could hook her up with someone in the music biz. And the year before that I had to sit through a private performance of my Uncle Johnny’s stand-up comedy slash drag show before I could leave.”

Jessie starts sniggering, sees the look of devastating seriousness on my face, then stifles it quickly.

“Okay. Calm down. Just stay here and lay low. I’ll go find out where your dad is, and then I’ll come back to get you, okay? That way you won’t bump into anyone else.”

I think about it for a few seconds, then nod.

“You’ll come back, right?”

“No,” Jessie says teasingly as she pulls away, “I’m gonna leave you here. Of course I’ll come back. Stay put and…I dunno, hide behind a potted plant or something.”