Cheater (Curious Liaisons, #1)(42)

Dad would make the sign of the cross over his chest and stare down at his plate until it either came alive or Mom escorted him from the restaurant.

Nope. The truth would be a disaster.

“Um,” I finally found my voice. “You know, right now we’re really just enjoying this . . . time.” I nodded. “It’s nice just”—I waved my hands in the air—“being together.”

Mom’s eyes narrowed. “Lucas, I hate to tell you this, but you are thirty-two.” She leaned forward, though she didn’t lower her voice. If anything, she took a deep breath, ready to put every ounce of energy she had into whatever advice she was about to give. “SPERM START DYING AT YOUR AGE!”

“Thanks, Mom,” I mumbled. Avery shook with laughter.

“WELL!” Mom threw her hands in the air as if I was a hopeless case. “DO YOU WANT your SPERM to die?”

Trick question? If I said yes, would she slap me? If I said no, would she encourage more sex?

Life choices.

Sometimes they sucked.

“I see what you mean,” Avery said. “The last thing this world needs is a man as virile as Lucas Thorn being rendered unable to reproduce.”

Okay, laying it on a bit thick, Avery. I refused to look at her, because when I looked at her, I remembered the way her mouth tasted—and that would encourage me to throw the girl over the table and screw her senseless in front of my parents. Hell, my mom would probably cheer us on and make sure that we forgot a condom. She’d make signs that read “Grandchildren Under Construction” and paint her face like she was at one of my old football games.

They’d been great fans at all my sporting events.

Mom reached across the table and met Avery’s hand halfway. They squeezed like they were sharing a private moment, but when Avery tried to pull away, Mom held on tighter.

Hah.

Trapped.

I leaned back and crossed my arms. Should I save her?

Nope.

Out of the corner of her eye, Avery glared at me.

I didn’t move.

“Avery, dear”—Mom cleared her throat—“I hate to bring this up, but should you be drinking if you’re trying to get pregnant?”

“Yeah, Avery?” I jerked away her wine and downed it all, then set her empty glass back in front of her while her nostrils flared.

Alcohol was the only bonus of the dinner.

Other than that last kiss.

But I refused to think about the kiss.

Or where our hands were during the kiss.

Damn it.

Avery opened her mouth.

Mom shushed her. “Now, you just listen, Avery, this is wisdom from the women in the Thorn family, that now I’m passing down to you.”

“Should she take notes?” I piped in.

“Oh!” Mom grinned. “I’ll email them to her too, just in case you forget. Now, listen carefully.” I smirked as Mom geared up. “Thirty minutes, your legs straight up in the air—that way the sperm stays inside your uterus!”

Dad started texting frantically.

Avery’s face flashed red.

“And then!” Mom still wasn’t letting go of her hand. “Remember, no using the ladies’ room for a while. We want those swimmers to reach their destination! Don’t we, Bill?”

“Uh-huh.” Ten bucks Dad had no clue what Mom had just asked him.

“Now!” Mom’s demeanor changed from cheerful to serious. “You have to swear, right now, not to ever use a condom. I imagine you’ve both been tested.”

Avery again tried to pull her hand away. The wide-eyed look she was giving me was hysterical. Clearly, it was lost on my mom that Avery probably wanted to establish herself in her career before she started popping out kids.

“Well?” Mom wasn’t letting it go.

“I, um.” Avery couldn’t have turned any redder if she’d tried. “I, uh, it’s been a while since I’ve been to the doctor, but I mean, I’m totally fine.”

“Oh, honey, oh no—oh, that won’t do.” Her face fell. “I’ll take you!”

“NO!” On that I had to intervene, but I was too late. Once an idea hit my mom, it was impossible to change her mind. She was like a politician running for president; no matter how stupid her ideas, she rode them until they fell apart, which most of the time they did.

She was Ralph Nader.

Bless her heart.

“YES!” Mom released Avery’s hand, finally, and then pressed both hands to her own cheeks. “I’m not working tomorrow! I’ll come downtown! I’ll pick you up! We can have a girls’ day! We’ll have lunch! Oh, oh, oh!” She wiggled in her seat, and then her eyes welled with tears. “I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life. The moment I could spend time with the girl my Lucas would settle down with.”

“Eh, you spent time with Kayla,” Dad interjected. Apparently, he was listening. Could this dinner get any worse? At all?

“Oh”—Mom waved him off—“Kayla never counted. After all, a mom knows these things. Our Lucas has had his eye on Avery for a while. Ever since she got breasts!”

And there it was.

Avery choked down her water.

And I prayed for the apocalypse.

We all fell silent as my mom wiped a few tears from under her eyes. “I’m sorry—I know I sound crazy. I can hear myself, you know.”