Capturing Peace (Sharing You 0.5)(53)

Coen—November 10, 2010

IT’D BEEN ALMOST a week and a half since I’d walked out of Reagan’s apartment, and even though I still called at least twelve times a day, she wasn’t talking to me.

Hudson and I had come home from Oregon late Sunday night because Hudson had to be at work again on Monday, and even with trying to catch Reagan at her apartment, I hadn’t seen her either. Now I was outside the building she worked in, parked next to her car, and was waiting for her to walk outside at any moment.

The second she walked outside I stepped out of my car and waited for her to see me. Her hazel eyes briefly glossed over me before doing a double take, and she froze on the middle of the sidewalk. With a step back, she froze again, and I watched as her chest started rising and falling roughly.

I knew she needed to get to her car. She needed to go get Parker from school, so she couldn’t just avoid me, and it was clear in her eyes. She wanted to run, but she knew she couldn’t.

Walking to where she still hadn’t moved from, I stopped in front of her and looked into her lifeless eyes. “Please talk to me. You’ve been avoiding me for over a week, and there’s so much I need to say.”

She didn’t respond. Her face had no emotion, just like her eyes. And it was killing me to know I’d made her look like that.

“I was wrong to say what I said, I was wrong to try to make you think you were the problem. I was freaking out and—” I cut off when she quickly tried to walk around me, and I caught hold of her arm. “Reagan, please! I’m sorry, I know I f*cked up. I know that. I got scared for a split second, that doesn’t mean you should just shut me out.”

She turned on me, and I hated that instead of sadness or anger, I saw pity in her eyes. “Me shut you out? You ran from us, Coen, what do you expect from me?”

I nodded and let go of her to run my hands roughly over my head. “For a second. I ran for a goddamn second. I love you, Reagan. I love Parker. Don’t take the two of you from me.”

Biting down on her bottom lip, she shook her head slowly as she began turning back around. “You did that all by yourself.”

“Reagan, I am right here, and I am begging you not to do this. Just talk to me about what happened, let me explain, and for Christ’s sake, stop acting like you don’t care.”

“It’s not that I don’t care, I’m protecting him,” she ground out as she kept walking.

“I thought we were done with that bullshit. I thought we were done with you pushing me away because you’re scared of what could happen in the future.”

She didn’t stop walking, and she didn’t look back at me.

“Reagan, talk to me!”

“You’re right,” she said, and suddenly whirled on me. “We are done with all that bullshit. We were done with it the day you told me you couldn’t promise me a forever.”

“Babe—”

“You were right about that too, Coen.” Straightening her back, she hardened her hazel eyes at me. “You couldn’t promise me a forever any more than I could promise you one. And I’m not taking us away from you because I’m scared you’ll run. You already f*cking ran, Coen. You already ran, and now you’re regretting it because you lost the one thing that could silence your demons.”

My body went rigid and my eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

She huffed a sad laugh, and that look of pity deepened. “I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out. I was so consumed in everything you are—and so blinded by the bullshit you fed me—that I never really noticed why you fought so hard for us. It wasn’t because you loved Parker. It wasn’t because you loved me. It was because I chased away what you can’t escape in here,” she said, and touched my temple with her fingers. “It was because I was a means to forget about all that for a little while.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“You told me—”

“I know what I f*cking said, Ray! And it’s true—you do silence them. But that is not why I fought for us. You completely captivated me because of what being near you can do to me, but I fought for us because I f*cking loved you. I’ve always loved you. I want to marry you, I want to adopt Parker so I can legally be his dad, I want to give you as much of a forever as I have.”

She shook her head sadly and stepped away from me. “And there you go trying to blind me with your words again. You’re an artist, Coen, through and through. What you see of the world through your camera, and the words that come from your mouth. But I’m not buying it anymore. I’m done letting you use us so you can have a few moments of peace from your f*cked-up mind.”

My head jerked back and mouth opened, but nothing came out.

“The demons in there?” she said after taking a couple steps away. “They’re ruining you. You’ve allowed them so much freedom that they now control your life. And you may not be able to see it, Coen, but I can. Because of them . . . you’re toxic. I can’t have someone like you in my son’s life.”

I stumbled back a step like she’d hit me, and watched her get in her car and drive away as my legs threatened to give out beneath me.

My entire world was being ripped away from me, and once again, I was the only one to blame.