By Your Side(15)

My candy bar was still on the coffee table, and even though my stomach wasn’t protesting too much, I picked it up anyway and began eating. It was stupid to eat as a distraction here. I couldn’t afford that, but I did anyway.

“I can count on one hand how many Paydays I’ve eaten in my life, but right now this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you eat Paydays a lot?”

“No.”

“What’s your favorite candy bar?”

“Do you think because we played one card game together that we’re friends now?”

That took the air right out of me as a jolt of anger surged through my body. “Nope. Just trying to pass the time.” He probably wanted me to leave, but because he was being a jerk, I was going to stay. I laid my head on the armrest and turned my attention to the television. Some basketball game was on. I hadn’t pegged him as a basketball fan. I really hadn’t labeled him as anything but a troublemaker before this weekend. And he was only proving my label so far. I pulled the sleeping bag up around my shoulder.

If Lisa had been there, we’d be snuggling together, talking about our latest crushes. Just the Saturday before, we had sat on her couch, where a movie played in the background as we talked.

“When are you going to tell Jeff you like him?” she asked.

She was the only one of our friends that I’d told about Jeff. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust the other girls; I just spent more time with Lisa outside of school, so we talked more. “I don’t know. I have a hard time opening up to him. Every time I start to, I get nervous.”

“There’s nothing to get nervous about. He likes you.”

“He seems to like everyone.”

“But he likes you the most. We’ve all seen it.”

“Then why hasn’t he asked me out?”

She squeezed my hand. “I think guys can be just as insecure as girls. You’re sending him mixed signals.”

“I am?”

“Yes, you’ll flirt, and then when he flirts back, you back off.”

“It’s true. I start to overthink it. I overthink everything.”

“Well, don’t. You two are adorable together. And if you don’t tell him, and everyone, soon, Avi will beat you to him.”

“What? Avi likes him?”

“I don’t know, but sometimes I think she does. Go take what’s yours,” she said, then laughed and laughed.

I joined her.

I came back into the present with a smile on my face. I missed Lisa. It seemed silly because I’d just seen her the day before, but I was supposed to spend the whole weekend with her. I’d been looking forward to it.

I stared at the empty wrapper in my hand. I’d eaten the rest of my candy bar. Dax’s empty wrapper was on the coffee table as well. I mentally calculated the rest of our food again. It hadn’t multiplied. But we’d be fine. People survived in the wilderness for longer and with less. Why did that thought make my heart race? Why was my breathing becoming more rapid? No, I wasn’t going to freak out over this.

Sometimes anxiety would hit me sideways like that, when I wasn’t expecting it. When it didn’t seem logical. When I thought I’d done the perfect job of talking myself through the trigger. It’s like my heart wouldn’t listen. I knew this whole situation was overwhelming and that my body was deciding to play catch-up, but I didn’t want to do this here, in front of him. He was already judging me enough.

I stood, trying to hide my uneven breathing, and left the room. This place made me feel trapped. I needed some fresh air. There had to be a window I could open somewhere in the building. My mind raced as I remembered trying every one of those windows the night before. I went for the stairs, climbed floor after floor searching for one I hadn’t tried. I arrived breathless at the very top—the fourth floor. It was a storage space of sorts. A room with boxes and boxes of stuff—old decorations, bolts of fabric, tablecloths. So much stuff. A maze of stuff trapping me.

My heart felt like it would burst from my chest. I leaned up against the nearest wall. Stop stop stop stop stop. Stop it. My eyes were watering; my ears felt plugged as my heartbeat pounded in them. I was freaking out over freaking out and that never helped. “It’s okay to freak out,” I said, but didn’t believe myself.

I saw a door across the way—a nondescript white one with a metal bar spanning its center. One I hadn’t seen before.

I tripped over my own feet as I nearly ran to it and pushed it open. The door led to a circular metal staircase. Each step creaked, and the whole staircase seemed to be a screw short as it wobbled under my weight. I held tight to the dusty handrail until I reached the top. Another door waited for me there, a creepy wooden owl on the last bit of banister watching guard over it. I yanked open the door and almost stepped onto the roof, but caught myself in time. The roof was peaked and wouldn’t have been safe even without the layer of snow, but a rush of cold air hit me across the face, immediately drying the sweat that clung there. I gulped in icy breath after icy breath, cooling my insides as well.

My heart slowed; my breath evened. My legs were still shaky, though, so I lowered myself to the ground at the top of those narrow stairs and looked out at the snow-blanketed roof. Was it unreasonable to think I could sit up there for the rest of the weekend? The sky was darkening and soon the stars would be out.