Broken (The Captive #5.5)(79)

I've tried to stop killing, but this beast inside of me won't allow me to do so. I can keep it in check but it feels as if I'm swallowing glass if I only try to drink blood from a goblet and do not allow the monster to have its nightly soul. I start to spiral toward what I was the night when you died and that's something that cannot happen again, not with so many around me now. They would know that I AM a monster now and they would put me down.

My ship returned to me today. I didn't ask where Camille finally decided to stay and they didn't tell me. They assured me that she is safe though, that she is well guarded and that she has settled into a home quite nicely. I hope she finds happiness, I know how much you wanted it for her and no matter how lost I am now, it's also what I still want for her.





CHAPTER 26


November 5, 1096,

My dearest Genny,

I've volunteered with The Council to join in the wars waging throughout the Holy land. With the amount of humans and death there, the Crusades being waged have attracted a large number of vampires to them. The Council is concerned that such easy feeding grounds will attract vampires who will stop caring about the risk of exposure. They are also concerned that some of The Council properties may be put at risk by the human's ridiculous religious wars. How the human race has managed to live as long as they have is something I will never understand. Foolish, stupid things, all of them.

The idea of going to that baking land is not overly appealing but the idea of losing myself amongst it is. At least I'll not have to see Anna again for a while. It's been nearly fifty years since that first night with her but the revulsion I feel from touching her hasn't eased. I don't think it ever will. I must have time away from this place.

She had another miscarriage yesterday; that is the fourth. I'm beginning to wonder if she is even worth it. I would request an annulment, she doesn't seem to be able to carry to term, but it is still early in the marriage and I'm not willing to alienate her family. Not yet anyway, I will need a son soon though.

By going to aide in watching over the other vampires and protecting our lands, I'll also be able to feed more.

It saddens me to think that you wouldn't recognize me anymore but it's for you that I do this. For you I try to gain this strength and power. My entire existence became about you before your death and it's even more so now.

***

The waves of heat rising from the sand caused the makeshift camp before him to appear blurry. Sweat beaded on his forehead and neck, it stuck the clothes to his skin as it slid down his back. He'd thought he would despise it here but as he stared across the baking desert, excitement began to grow in him. Within the endless sand and sun beating down upon him, he felt a freedom he hadn't felt in years. This place was as empty and barren as he was inside, he could be at home here.

The best attraction about coming to this wasteland had been leaving Anna behind, but he realized there was far more for him here than that. A cruel smile twisted his mouth as he studied the human soldiers gathered beneath the sun and the women that moved amongst them, offering their service. Easy prey, there was so much easy prey here.

Oh yes, he could lose himself in this wasteland of death and blood, he could thrive here.

***

July 27, 1223,

My dearest Genny,

Anna gave birth to our son today. He's a healthy baby, fat and happy. I almost turned away when they offered him to me, but appearances must be kept after all. When they handed me that baby and I looked down at his chubby face, and black hair, for some strange reason all I could picture was a baby girl with my green eyes, and you. It was the closest I've come to crying since the first time I read your words that day on the ship.

The image of you and our daughter was so vivid that I felt I could almost touch you once more. A beautiful smile lit your face as you gazed down at our child with love radiating from your eyes, just as it did every time you looked upon me. Sometimes I think if you saw me now that you wouldn't have that look, not with the thousands I've slaughtered since your demise while in war, and simply for my pleasure. But then I feel you with me and I know there would always be love and forgiveness in your heart for me.

Our baby girl would have been as beautiful as you were. I would have loved her unconditionally and I would have protected her with my life.

I felt nothing for my son, but that was not his fault, I don't feel anything other than pleasure from blood and a never-ending thirst for vengeance. This child will help in that quest for vengeance. He has my blood in his veins after all, he will grow to be powerful, and he will be a strong fighter and ally. I will make sure of it.

She named him Braith, she asked for my opinion on the name, but I didn't have one to give. I don't know where the name came from, nor do I particularly care. I could set her free now, she has finally produced an heir for me, but truth be told I like the cover she gives me. I go to fight and come home to my wife. If I were to set her free I would have to find a mistress or do something to keep up appearances as a man, and I have no desire to do so.

I can force myself to be with her if I must, but I will not set up another woman in my life that I will have to speak with and lay with, without being able to kill her. That is the problem now, for me sex has become entwined with death. My body needs the release but that horrid feeling of betraying you takes me over every time. The only ones lucky enough to walk away from me have been Anna and the women that others know I am with; it is war after all and there is little privacy. I do not discriminate, both human and vampire women fall equally. The killing of the human soldiers is easier when I am engaged in battle and many have fallen beneath my sword and fangs.