Broken Silence (Silence, #2)(28)

“I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you.” A tear slid down her face and I instantly got up, moving around to her side of the table and hugging her. No.

“Please, please stop apologising, Mum. There was no way you could have known what was happening,” I whispered and blinked to clear the tears. Mum had said sorry so many times over the past four years, but it wasn’t her that should be sorry.

“I should have,” she murmured against my hair. “I don’t understand how you’re not angry with me.”

“Because it wasn’t your fault.”

She pulled back and wiped the tear from my face. “I’m so proud of you. The way you’re handling everything is unbelievable. You deserve to be happy. Cole makes you happy, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, he does.”

“I bet he’d come to Australia if you asked him.”

I shook my head. “I wouldn’t ask him to do that four years ago and I won’t now.”

“You could always move back here.”

“Trying to get rid of me?”

“Yeah, you’re a pain in the arse. Seriously, though, it’s something you should consider if you want it.”

“I don’t think I could live here again.”

Her face fell as she understood exactly why I couldn’t be here. Too much reminded me of Dad and Frank, and Cole’s parents lived so close to our old house. Although I’d moved on as much as I could and can now talk about it without breaking down, I still wasn’t ready for all those physical reminders.

“Don’t let them ruin your happiness, Oak. Find a way of being with Cole if that’s what you want. He’s one of the good ones, you know.”

I grinned. “I know he is. I just don’t know if it could work. If he moved to Australia and left behind his family, friends, dream job, and now his house, he’d end up resenting me.”

“You’re wrong. That boy could never resent you.”

“He might, and I’m not willing to take that risk.”

Mum shook her head at me and smiled as if to say, you silly girl. I don’t think anyone truly understood my feelings for Cole though. He would always come before me.

“Miles is one of the good ones, too.”

I held my breath as I waited for her to respond.

She sighed and stroked the handle of the mug.

“Miles and I are friends. That is all either of us want.”

I opened my mouth to argue her blatant lie. They were both crazy about each other.

“Please,” she said. “Not tonight.”

“Okay. Another night then.”

“Have you spoken to Cole much about the trial?” she asked, changing the subject.

“A little.”

“You never speak to me about it.” She frowned, hurt. Why would she want me to talk about it with her? He was her husband. No one wanted to hear the man they built a life with was a monster.

“I didn’t think you’d want to. I didn’t want you to feel guilty.”

Mum took my hand. “I’ll feel guilty whether you talk about it or not. You should be able to talk to me. I want you to. There is nothing we can’t discuss.” I smiled and squeezed her hand. She looked me in the eyes.

“Will you tell me how it started?”

Instantly dropping my smile, I swallowed hard. She wanted to talk about that?

“What?” I whispered.

“If it’s too hard I’ll understand, but I think we both need to do this before the trial.”

“You really want to know now? You’re sure?”

I watched her gulp. She didn’t want to, she had to.

“Yes. I need to know.”

I had managed to go four years without breaking her heart completely. Now I was going to finish the job. She was right though. She did need to know. I took a deep breath and launched into everything.

I didn’t stop when she started crying or when it looked like she was going to be sick, although I wanted to.

She sat silently as I told her how Dad had watched everything Frank did to me. How scared I was and how afraid I became of my own dad. I told her how I blamed myself for years; I thought it was all my fault. When I told her that I tried to tell her a week after it started, but Dad got to me first and told me not to talk again, she sobbed.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Mum shook her head. “No, don’t. Don’t you ever be sorry. Honey, I…” She gasped for breath and pulled me into a hug. “I– I don’t know…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” I sank into her side, trying to disappear. Finally, everything was out in the open, but I didn’t feel much relief.

“You are so brave, my beautiful girl.”

I didn’t feel brave. I’d run away, half way across the world, to escape from everything. Tired and desperate were better words I would use to describe myself. I was tired of trying to move on. Tired of seeing their faces. Tired of being scared that they would somehow get to me again. Most of all I was just desperate to get my life back.

She took a deep breath and wiped her tears. “I keep trying to think of things. Anything that I missed, but there’s nothing.”

“Because we didn’t let there be anything. I didn’t want you to find out as much as he didn’t. Dad told me so many different things over the years. He told me that you would hate me. You wouldn’t want me any more; that it would kill you, and that you wouldn’t believe me. I was so scared. As I got older, I realised you wouldn’t, but I knew it would break your heart, and I didn’t want that. After it stopped, I convinced myself that everything would be okay, so I forced myself to leave it in the past.”