Broken Girl(29)

“I have it. You know, I can do it on my own. I’m very capable. I’ve been very capable my whole life. I don’t need any help,” I argued as I adjusted the bag over my shoulder.

“I know you’re capable, Rose. Besides, it has become somewhat of a routine for me to carry out your laundry for you,” Shane said as he muscled the bag away from me and flung it over his shoulder.

“So now I’m Capable Rose. Make up your mind Shane, am I complicated or capable?” I fumed.

“Whoa, where the heck is this coming from? I just want to help you out.”

“Well, maybe I don’t need your help.” I dug out the rage that I’d buried deep within the seared crevices of my soul and plastered it across the space between us. Trying with everything I had to rebuild that wall he was tearing down.

“I never assumed you needed my help. I carry your bag for you because that’s what friends do . . . I never thought you weren’t capable.”

I turned and headed for the door. I wasn’t going to fight him, I’d let him carry my bag and walk out to my car. Hiking with him tomorrow was a huge mistake. I felt it in my bones.

He shuffled behind me, up through the first flight of stairs of the parking garage. I was so determined that I didn’t slow down walking even when the back of my calves felt like they were on fire. When I got to my car I thrust the key into the lock of my trunk and pulled it open.

“Thanks,” I barked as he dropped my clothes into the back.

Shane stood staring at me. Silence stormed around us, his eyes not leaving mine. Waiting for something to stumble from his mouth, I just couldn’t stand there any longer and wait to hear anything he was going to tell me. I slammed my trunk, turned and walked to the driver’s side of my car.

“So this is it?”

“Yep.”

“You’re going to go because I teased you?” Shane snapped as he followed me.

“I just need to go, that’s it. I’ll text you about tomorrow.” I didn’t turn around; instead I started to get into my car when his enormous hand crashed against the edge of the car door slamming it shut. He grabbed my arm, spun me around and pushed me back against the car. His eyes were filled with all the pain I was causing, all the confusion my mind-f*ck was playing on him . . . it was the only thing I knew how to do when expectations were changing. It was time to shut him out.

“I call bullshit, Rose. I think you’re scared of me.” The space between us vanished as he inched closer.

“Scared? Scared of what, Shane? Scared to hear about the type of girls you’ve slept with? Please, that’s the least about you that scares me. I just need to go, get ready for work.”

He pushed his face within inches of mine. Pinned against the car, he continued. “What is it then? I want to know . . . what it is about me that scares you?” he asked, caressing the back of his hands across my flaming cheeks. His eyes filled with storming tension, the same eyes I saw when I was with the only other man I let have my heart. My pulse thumped across my neck, keeping time with his.

“This,” I said as I thrust my fists against his chest, attempting to push him back. “Expectations . . . your expectations . . . you have expectations of me . . . you expect me to be someone I’m not. I can’t be that someone you want me to be. I’m not that girl; I’ll never be that girl for you, Shane.” I turned away from him and fumbled with the door handle. His hands closed over mine, his body pushed against my back, his face pressed into the curve of my neck, his breath steamed against my hair as his nose goaded against the base of my head, the pressure sent me reeling.

“Then I won’t ask you to be that girl. I won’t push you for something you’re not ready to give.”

“Don’t you see Shane, I will never be ready. I can’t give you what you want.”

“Who said it had to be anything more than friends Rose?”

“I can feel it. I know, you’ll need more, take more, ask for more . . . and I just don’t have any more to give.”

“Rose, all I want is to spend time with you. If it’s only as friends, then I guess I’ll have to be okay with that. But god, I just wish you’d trust me. Let me in . . . for just a moment; let me know what you’re feeling.” My heart thrummed at his words. I began to curl within myself as everything I thought I was nosedived into the pit of my stomach. Shane pulled my hands from the door handle subdued in his grip; he took my arms and tangled them around my stomach. His body swallowed mine in his embrace. His body felt so warm, so good and so right.

I was totally f*cked up. Like the pendulum in my head was swinging full force back and forth. Hammering against each side of my f*cked up brain. On the one side I wanted him to take me and pull me around and kiss me so hard that I would forget who I was. I ached for him to keep pushing, fighting to peel back the fa?ade that it took me years to build, and yet on the other side, I hated how vulnerable I felt when I was with him. Everything he did while we were together would send sparks barreling through my body. I resented how he made me feel excited again and gave me something to look forward to, convinced, all the while that his expectations would only give me more heartbreak.

My lungs ached with a burn, equal to inhaling black smoke -choked to death-while I breathed in his scent. Damn, I wanted to stay like this forever.

“I can’t, Shane . . . I just can’t,” I whispered as I bucked, working to shed his body from mine, I pulled open my car door and got in. There was no way I was going hiking with him tomorrow, I just couldn’t. I shoved the keys into the ignition, I didn’t look over at him. I didn’t want to give him a chance to stop me from driving away. I just needed to go. I was good at shutting off to the rest of the world while I gave my body over to some slimy f*ck who didn’t give a rat’s ass about my feelings or how I was falling in love with Shane.