Breaking the Rules (Pushing the Limits, #1.5)(86)

I hurt her. I hurt Echo, and I don’t know how to take away the pain.

In two steps, I fall to my knees by the bed, and her sweet scent hits my nose. Sleep is a gift to Echo. Not a promise. Every part of me begs to gather her into my arms, but I’ve lost all privileges.

Her lids slightly crack open, and the hollowness in her eyes rips at me. “Go back to sleep, Echo.”

Little lines form between her eyes. “I thought maybe I was dreaming you came in.”

“Do you want me to leave?” I hold my breath waiting for her answer.

Echo slightly rocks her head against the pillow in a no. “I want last night to have never happened.”

Me, too. If I could travel back in time and beat the hell out of the punk who permitted the hurt to control every decision, I would. “I didn’t sleep with her. Not since last year. And I swear to you I’ve been clean since January.”

The words are pouring out faster than they appear in my brain. “You want me to take a drug test to prove it, I will. I’ll take a hundred of them. I’ll take one every damned day. What happened last night was a mistake, and I’m sorry. I should never have been talking to her. I should have been with you. Here. Not at that party. I—”

“Stop it.” The words are harsh, but there’s no malice in her tone. “Just stop it.”

I bow my head, searching for the right way to convince her that she’s my entire world. That without her, I have nothing.

“I believe you didn’t sleep with her...this week.”

I wince, a blow straight to my stomach.

“As for the drugs, if you say you aren’t using, I believe that as well, but I’ve come to realize that I never asked if you were still using, and you never told me. In fact, I told you once that I wouldn’t pressure you to stop. Even if I want to be angry, I have no right to hold it against you if drugs were the reason you were with her tonight.”

It’s there. In her eyes. The disappointment I was so damned terrified of seeing after we made love. My throat swells, and I clear it to push forward. “I’m done. I swear to you, I’m done with all that.”

Echo curls tighter into her ball. “But that’s the thing. I fell in love with you for who you were. I can’t ask you to change because I want...” And she snaps her mouth shut.

My pulse pounds in my ears. “What do you want?”

Her lower lip trembles, and I swear to God she’s tearing out my heart.

“Just tell me.” Though I already know the answer.

“I want...I want more.”

More.

She wants more.

More than the punk. More than the kid with the messed-up past. More as in the guy that doesn’t spend nights behind bars.

I fall back to my ass and knead my eyes in an attempt to recover from the sensation of being pulled under by a wave. Six months. I had six glorious months with her, and it wasn’t enough time. For us. For me. I didn’t find a way to change fast enough to be the man she craves to walk down the street with. “I’ll give you more. I’ll give you everything. I’m changing. Just give me more time.”

Echo wipes at her eyes. “You should change because you want more for yourself, not because I asked for it. And more doesn’t mean material things. I don’t want what happened last night to happen again. I can’t take that. I can’t live that way, but you need to live your life for you, not me.”

The pressure that had been building while rotting in that holding cell erupts. “You’re what I want!”

With exhaustion working against her, Echo struggles to sit up against the back of the bed. “Don’t you see—that’s it. You’re changing to make me happy, and that’s going to make you miserable. It’s the same thing you accuse me of. You say I make decisions based on my need for approval. You want my approval so you change. That’s not healthy.”

She’s not getting it. “You’ve got it wrong. I’m changing because being with you makes me happy. You’re what I think about every second of the day! You’re the reason I have goals. You’re why I find a reason to take a breath when I open my eyes in the morning. I wanted nothing for my life and then I found you. You showed me I could be more, and I want more.”

Echo covers her face with her hands, and her shoulders roll forward. She blows air in and out. Long and deliberate. Each shaky inhale audible. Feeling the burn in my eyes, I suck in a breath like her. “I love you, Echo.”

Dead silence. The hollow abyss kind. The type that convinces me I’ve either gone deaf or died.

“What you said—you’re that for me, too.” She lowers her hands. “When all the cuts on the inside have bled for too long and I’m close to death, you’re the one that pulls me back. I don’t like hurting over you, but I won’t shove you or myself into a box we can’t fit in, either.”

“Tonight...that wasn’t me.”

Echo flattens her lips. “It was.”

Fuck this. “It isn’t who I want to be. Give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I’m the man you’re going to be proud of. The man you want to walk down the street with.”

Echo slowly smoothes her curls behind her ears, staring at me like I’ve grown horns. “I’ve always been proud of you.”