Bound by Wish and Mistletoe (Highland Legends #1.5)(44)
The nighttime ride meant to calm her head and lift her spirits, like other solitary rides had done, had the opposite effect. Head spinning and heart clenching, images of Robert and Dougal, Broc, and terrifying demons in very real nightmares haunted her until her breaths had reduced to ragged hitches and gulps of air. As pins and needles spread across her chest and down her arms, she focused on trying to breathe, her body forcing her to survive through her anxiety.
Thoughts ebbed away with the pins and needles as deep cold breaths filled her lungs. Numbness followed. Everywhere. And oddly, the absence of thought felt good. The farther Solus galloped from where Susanna had been, the less her fears ruled her mind.
Another salty tear tracked down her cheek as she realized her maddening thoughts had overruled good sense. Solus had charged off into the night without turning back. Lost in her fears and unaware of her surroundings, Susanna had foolishly let it happen. The boundary markers of Brodie lands that Isobel and Brigid had mentioned had disappeared into the dark of the early morning hour, unnoticed.
Her breath caught as reality settled into lucid thoughts. A part of her wanted to pull on the reins and urge Solus back to the castle, hoping the mare would find it. But the part of her frozen in terror from dark, twisted nightmares locked up her muscles.
Daunting fears, stalking her while awake and dreaming, thwarted her chance at happiness. Although she hadn’t intended to leave, in her demon-haunted mind, she now saw no other way.
She had to abandon Robert. Her panic had reached such a degree within the confines of his castle, she had found it impossible to breathe. No matter what Robert promised, aside from whatever he truly believed, she would remain a prisoner in Brodie Castle—Iain had said as much himself.
Skorpius’s transgression, whatever it had been—and the degree to which it had torn Brigid apart—only added to her growing fears. Seeing Brigid so forlorn had shredded her heart anew, ripping wide open the emotional scars from her past, proving to Susanna just how deep they ran. Broc may have physically hurt Mama, but the bruises she bore on the outside were mere scratches compared to the permanent damage Mama had sustained on the inside...that Susanna continued to suffer from.
She’d inadvertently escaped. Again. A lifetime of fears and her mother’s words had coalesced into an undeniable need to run, even though a part of her knew that, in Robert and his clan, she’d found something truly rare and amazing. But although Susanna desperately wanted to believe her overwhelming panic was only temporary, she found she couldn’t see even a flicker of light through the darkness of her despair.
Her frozen fingers gripped the reins hard, or she thought they did—she couldn’t feel them anymore. She inhaled a deep shaky breath, wishing the painful beats of her heart would somehow grow numb as well.
A single sob escaped her throat. Flames ignited like wildfire from her chest into her throat as she attempted to hold the devastating emotions back. She failed. Solus’s ears swiveled back, and the horse slowed, as she slumped over the mare’s neck, crying.
Susanna hadn’t felt comfortable bringing a location-marking torch to light her way, but the moon shone brightly enough for the horse to navigate unaided through the lightly treed area beyond Castle Brodie. Despite insurmountable fears that allowed for no other option but the choice she’d made, loneliness and sorrow plagued her mind. A wolf howled somewhere off in the distance as if commiserating with her—two miserable souls in the same place, both desolate and inconsolable.
She closed her eyes, trusting Solus as she focused on the sounds of the night. The whinny of a horse not too far behind her pricked her ears. She squeezed her thighs, pressing the mare to quicken the pace. Solus instantly responded and veered toward the edge of the trees, breaking into a gallop.
After another hour, dense forest gave way to open land, dropping the temperature further. They walked through drifting snow as gloaming colored the sky in a steely blue.
The crunch beneath the mare’s hooves changed to a harder noise. A loud crack followed. She looked down, her gaze tracking far off to the right. They traversed across the narrowing end of a loch covered in ice.
Nervous, she urged Solus forward. Her cloak blew open as the horse clambered off the dangerous surface and entered into another section of forest. A flash of red to the right caught Susanna’s eye, but when she glanced back, the thick branches already hid the ice behind them.
Her breathing hitched from the close brush with disaster, and she focused her attention on her surroundings as the horse picked the easiest way through the thicker foliage. She was on her own now; a fall through ice or a tumble into a ravine would turn her flight into a pointless endeavor. Peace and safety were her primary goals—not permanent peace. At least...not yet.
Fresh pain lanced through her chest as she thought of Robert, the look of love shining in his dark eyes haunting her. She tried to redirect her thoughts, focusing on the fierce warrior that had fought for her. With great effort, she remembered his irritation and swift decisions when she’d been a threat to him and his men...and herself. Images drifted to how he touched her...and loved her.
She sighed, deep regret of her unavoidable escape at the expense of Robert’s heart besieging her. She wondered if Robert would fare well; she vehemently prayed he would.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Warmth bathed Robert’s face. He woke to sunlight streaming through the open window and sighed, remembering their blissful wedding night. He slid his hand over to touch Susanna but instead found a cold empty sheet. He rolled over, reaching further with his other hand. Nothing.