Blink(39)

‘You OK, Toni?’ He took a step back and squinted at me, concerned.

‘Yes, of course.’ I blinked, moving towards the door. ‘Thanks again.’

‘Everything OK in there?’ Jo looked up when I walked past her desk.

‘Fine.’ I smiled. ‘Dale’s a lovely bloke, isn’t he?’

‘Hmm,’ she agreed, quickly engrossed again in her computer monitor.

Back at my desk, I kept glancing at the door. I couldn’t help wondering how bad things would be for me when Bryony returned.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Jo said, looking up and catching my expression. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong.’

Somehow, it just didn’t feel that way.

Half an hour before the shop closed for the day, Jo made tea and brought it through for us to sit and drink at our desks as we wound up for the day.

‘This is nice. Thanks.’ I cradled the mug, savouring the warmth in my hands. The rest of me felt icy cold, though the heating had been on all afternoon.

‘You look tired out,’ Jo said. ‘You should run a nice hot bath with candles when you get home. Treat yourself.’

‘Chance would be a fine thing,’ I muttered, already imagining the long-gone luxury of an hour or two to myself to get lost in a book, to take a bath without worrying about anything and everything. I looked up to find Jo studying me. I gave her a small smile and brought my mug up to cover my face.

‘Toni, I don’t want to pry but are you a single mum? It’s just that you mentioned something about just moving up here with just your daughter, ’ Jo said tentatively. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging. I’ve nothing but respect for single mums.’

‘I am.’ I managed a smile. ‘Not by choice though. My husband, Andrew, he died.’

The last thing I wanted to do was bring it all up again after speaking to Dale.

‘Oh God, I’m so sorry.’ She put down her mug and covered her mouth with her hand. ‘I didn’t mean to intrude, I—’

‘Really, it’s fine,’ I assured her. ‘I wish to God it hadn’t happened, but it did, and the best I can do is try to deal with it every day. I’m not sure I manage it most days though.’

I gave a little laugh but Jo’s face remained serious.

‘I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.’ She shook her head. ‘What you’re going through, every day. And little Evie – did you say she’s only five?’

‘She just turned five two months ago.’ I nodded, remembering all the tinies – around fifteen of Evie’s nursery friends – wreaking havoc in the ball pool at her birthday party.

Afterwards, Evie said, ‘It was the best birthday ever in the WHOLE universe of the world, Mummy.’

I’d looked at her flushed face and bright eyes and promised myself that, when we moved house, I’d give her even better birthdays with her new friends each year.

I didn’t feel nearly as confident about that now.

Jo looked at me, too polite to ask more questions but obviously wondering. So, for the second time that day, I explained what had happened to Andrew. The accident.

Her face seemed to crumple, although thankfully she didn’t start full-blown crying. I don’t think I could have handled that. I’d have probably joined in.

I hated that, no matter how many times I explained how Andrew’s accident had happened, he sounded incompetent. I felt guilty even thinking that word in relation to Andrew, but it seemed that whatever I told people, and however I said it, it sounded like it was his fault. There was no getting away from the fact that, on paper, he was the one leading the mission that night.

It was something that constantly bothered me but that I’d kept completely to myself. Thankfully, nobody else had been tactless enough to mention it.

Sometimes, in the early hours, I burned inside, wondering how he’d managed to make such a terrible navigational mistake.

But talking about it now to Jo, I just felt empty.

‘I’m sorry, Toni.’ Jo wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. ‘I wasn’t expecting that. You see, I know how you feel. My sister, well, her husband died on active duty, too, a few years ago. She’s been through hell. Actually, she’s still in it.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that, Jo, her suffering sounds familiar.’ I twisted up my mouth in sympathy. I hoped she didn’t want to tell me all about it, I didn’t feel up to it.

‘I do what I can, but it’s hard, you know?’ Jo said, staring towards the window. ‘She lives down south. I manage to get down there a few times a year but most of the time it’s a matter of supporting her as much as I can by phone or Skype. I’m not sure it’s enough, really.’

‘Your sister’s lucky to have you.’

Jo shrugged.

‘I don’t know how much good I do. It almost destroyed her. But she hasn’t got any kids,’ Jo said. ‘You do so well holding down a job, being a mum to Evie. I can’t imagine what that takes.’

She glanced at the clock.

‘Oh well, nearly closing time. I’ll check the back door’s locked and turn everything off, if you can put the shutters down.’ She hesitated. ‘Just one thing. I hope we can be friends and, maybe when we know each other better, I can get to meet Evie and even help you out a bit. I – well, I have nobody. But I have lots of time.’