Blindness(27)

“Hi, Daddy. It’s me…Charlie,” I say my name, the only one Mac ever called me, and the instant I do I feel Cody’s fingertips stretch for mine. I give in and wrap my fingers together with his tightly. I don’t have to explain; I know I just gave him a key to look inside me, to see my secrets—the good ones and the ugly ones—with that one small sentence. And I also know it’s more than I’ve ever given anyone. And I think he knows it, too.

I decide to keep talking to Mac out loud. The feeling of letting it all out for someone else to hear is doing for me what months of therapy couldn’t.

“Daddy, I miss you. It’s almost Halloween, and I bought candy corn when I was at school the other day. Those were your favorites.”

I have to pause. I work so hard keeping these memories away from the surface, that when I let them out they overwhelm me. I catch my breath and feel Cody squeeze my hand tighter. He’s giving me courage.

“I’m worried about Caroline. She hasn’t been answering my calls. I know I should go see her, but I haven’t been in the house since the day I left. I just can’t…”

Cody rolls to his side, my hand still in his, and I feel his other hand along my arm, almost like he’s bracing it. I feel his forehead against my shoulder, and I know he’s doing that so I won’t feel uncomfortable having him look at me while I bare my soul.

“I don’t like it here. The Appletons? They’re not like you, Daddy. I was supposed to be living here with Trevor. But he left. Don’t be mad at him—he had to. You’d be proud of him; he’s a real hard worker. He was chosen for this amazing internship. I’m thinking about joining him next semester.”

Part of me wants to keep the rest of my conversation in my head, but then I feel Cody’s grip loosen, and his body start to slide away. The coolness left behind jars me, so I continue.

“You don’t have to worry, though. I made a friend,” I say, my heart racing with panic that Cody won’t stay to hear the rest, which makes me speak louder and faster.

“You’d actually like him a lot—probably more than Trevor,” I admit, unable to stop the smile on my face knowing exactly how much my dad would love Cody. “I only know him a little, but I’m getting to know him more. I try to make him smile. His eyes crinkle when he smiles—just like yours.”

Cody is still next to me, his grip on my hand once again strong, but his body is stiff. I’m rewinding mentally, realizing just how far I went. Shit. I said way too much! I don’t even know what I’m doing here. This all suddenly feels way too intimate—wrong. My pulse is speeding up the more I think about what Trevor would think if he saw me, saw this—saw us!

I slide the pillow from my chest to the side and work my fingers until they’re out of Cody’s grip. He remains next to me, but isn’t moving. I’m pretty sure I just made him feel unwelcome in his own bed, the awkwardness creeping in now and almost choking me. I have to leave, leave this bed, and then leave this room. I’ll be calm until I shut his door, and then I’m running.

Yes, that’s it. I’ll run.

“Oh God, I’m sorry. I just unloaded, like, way too much on you. I’m…I’m just going to go,” I say, pushing myself up to sit at the side of the bed and slip on my shoes. The light is dim, but I can tell that Cody’s eyes have shifted to me. He’s still not moving or speaking, and I don’t really want him to. I just want to get out of his room without him saying a word.

“Thank you, truly,” I say as I stand and look once more at the ceiling. “The stars? They’re amazing,” my voice wavers, and I turn and walk to his door. I’m gripping the handle, willing myself to keep it together for just a few more seconds until I’m out of his view. I feel his body behind me, and see his hand flat against the door.

His breath against my neck raises every hair on my body. I’m looking intently at his fingers splayed out on the wood paneling of the door in front of me, my hands still gripping the door handle. Beyond this door, my life continues on one path—a path I know. A path I love. But I’m stalled, considering what happens if I stay in this room. I’m paralyzed. Fear. Indecision.

“Cody, I…” I start, but don’t know how to finish.

“Just stay,” he says, his voice barely audible, and the air released from his words sends more chills around my neck and down my entire body.

“Just…” I hear him swallow, and even though I can’t see him, I know he’s struggling. I keep my eyes forward and watch his fingers curl into a fist on the door, clinching tightly. “I won’t…I wouldn’t make you uncomfortable. I’m not asking you to do anything. Please…please just stay,” his head falling flat against the back of mine as he speaks. I can feel him breathe me in, and I feel like I’m racing down a hill, lightheaded from the conflict brewing inside.

“Okay,” I whisper, not even aware that it was me speaking. I’m on autopilot, turning away from the path I know and recognize on the other side of the door, but desperately worried that it won’t be there when I finally leave this room.

Cody’s hand slides from the door to my shoulder, and I shiver as he traces the back of his fingers down the length of my arm, until he finds my hand once again. He pulls me to him, forcing me to turn into his body. I keep my eyes focused on the words on his shirt, reading the dates and towns to myself. Some tour shirt—a concert, perhaps? Or maybe a race? I’m trying to keep my mind busy with this pointless task when Cody reaches for my chin and pulls my face to look at his.