Black Moon Draw(78)

He looks like he wants to say something and then shakes his head, storming out.

For once, I’m confident. Unaccustomed to pressing an issue instead of dropping it, I’m surprised by how natural it feels to stand up for myself. I usually let people like Jason tell me I’m wrong, ugly, stupid, fat – and I usually take it.

Not anymore.

“Where better to start being someone else than in a place that doesn’t exist?” With a newfound bloom of warmth inside me, I lift the medallion. “You’re next.”

I trust you. The Shadow Knight’s steady declaration was part of the reason I didn’t sleep well last night. He did what Jason, Tracey, and others have never done in my life – believed in me – and instead of being grateful, I did what I always do: freaked out, assumed I’d fail, and ended up letting him down anyway.

I feel like I owe him to try.

I also feel like I owe me to try. I’ve never been particularly secure about who I am, always down on my looks, low paying job, lack of a life, thunder thighs, general apathy about my future, you name it. I feel safest when I’m lost in a book because there’s no one to judge or reject me. Last night, huddled in his arms, I decided to do what was right instead of being swept away. The sense I need to take control of my life, to start living it on my own terms, is gaining ground. I set limits with the sexiest man alive; I can make this damn thing work.

Shifting to get comfortable, I continue to gaze at the medallion. The scene of the battle-witch cursing the realm replays in my thoughts. She had been so strong and sure of herself, the opposite of me. The man she loved had just been struck down and she was running on pure adrenaline. There is more about her than her depth of emotion that makes me envious.

Self-assurance. She didn’t doubt her ability to command the medallion; she owned that shit. She had a man as powerful as the Shadow Knight at her feet, devoted enough to give her all the magic in the world. A woman like that doesn’t hide in trees like I always have.

A woman like that gets what she wants, even the sexy Knight of a non-existent world.

I close my eyes to concentrate. There are patterns when the medallion sparked to life: when I’m in mortal danger, when the Shadow Knight is, and when we both are. Danger is the common thread, but it’s not clear why it operates sometimes and not at all other times.

Danger and . . . what? There’s got to be another factor. With the arrogance of a man who rules a kingdom, the Shadow Knight seemed to think provoking me was the right way to force the magic to work.

I think there’s something different at work here. A shield to protect me, a shock to prevent him from losing his head, flattening an army, a lift for both of us out of the falling tower.

“What’s the common factor, LF?” I demand of the author that stranded me in this world. There’s no writing on my hand to help me out. “Something I said? Something I did?” I think back to those scary situations. They’re somewhat fuzzy, given the amount of emotions and adrenaline that were in my blood at the time.

“Extreme emotion. Instinct,” I murmur to the black Heart in my hands. Fear? Anger? Were those the keys? It seems like a horrible way to devise a weapon, like linking a nuclear bomb to a cranky three-year-old and hoping it doesn’t go off. The image of the battle queen lingers in my mind. “I didn’t have a chance to second guess myself.”

The Shadow Knight’s declaration from the tower returns to me, his claim that I needed to abandon my self-pity and appreciate who I am. Could he have been hinting at what the key is without knowing it?

That sounds so stupid. I can almost hear Jason say the words.

But he’s not here, and this is my story, not his.

“I didn’t beg it to work. I commanded it,” I say with an uncharacteristic dramatic flourish. My face grows warm and I glance around to make sure no one heard. “Why the hell not?” I respond aloud. “Why am I never good enough? They built an entire legend around me here!” There’s nothing wrong with my thoughts or feelings or looks. It’s a lot to swallow after a lifetime of hiding myself away, but this is my second chance.

Heroes are normal people who do extraordinary things, the battle queen had said. Not always because they choose to, and rarely because they want to. But you know what? When it matters, they take a step they never thought they’d take.

Is this my step? Can it be as corny as learning to believe in myself? In not being afraid to take a chance, seize control of my life, and live?

I opened the door to my soul last night with the Shadow Knight. Even if I didn’t let him enter, the entrance remains open, my emotions raw, and my newfound determination to try to live on my terms hovering in the doorway.

The writing on the medallion flares to life.

I almost drop it. “That’s it, isn’t it?”

A tingle of electricity tickles my fingertips.

“Maybe I should show Westley to be sure I’m not going crazy.”

The light goes out and the tingle vanishes.

With a startled laugh, I turn the medallion over in my hands. “You only work because . . . what? I believed in myself for a fraction of a second?”

A flutter of warmth runs up my arm.

The magic of a kingdom, collected over a thousand years, in the palm of my hand. The key to the Shadow Knight winning his battle and saving his world. And all I have to do is turn off those negative thoughts that make me feel bad about myself and believe.