Between Here and the Horizon(62)
“I thought we’d already established that I am rude. Aren’t you crazy to expect anything else from me? Look, if it’s bothering you, here. Have my phone. Do whatever the hell you want with it. Look at my texts. You can go through my photos. Read my email. I don’t give a shit.” He tossed his cell up in the air, expecting me to catch it, but I let it land on the carpet at my feet with a heavy thud.
“No, thank you.”
Sully peered over the edge of the table, presumably to check if his phone was broken. He groaned as he strained his stomach, then sank back into his seat when he saw the iPhone was fine. “Probably for the best. There’s some f*cked up shit in there. You’re quite the conundrum, Lang. Do you know that?”
What did Sully Fletcher consider f*cked up shit? I was four parts intrigued and six parts worried. It certainly didn’t make me want to search through his cell phone like a crazy jealous girlfriend, though. Even when I suspected something was going on with Will, when he was working late all the time and getting strange texts at two o’clock in the morning, I never stooped that low. I wasn’t going to do it now, even with Sully’s permission. “I’m hardly a conundrum,” I told him, planting a container of Parmesan cheese down in front of him. “I just don’t like people taking liberties.”
“None taken. Yet,” he said, smirking. “But feel free to overstep as many boundaries as you like when you’re in bed later, all hot and bothered, staring at my number in your phone, wondering if you should message me.”
“You think pretty highly of yourself, don’t you?”
He nodded sagely. “I have to. No one else is gonna bother.”
That struck me as a sad thought. Rose was right; she’d painted a pretty lonely picture of Sully’s personal life in order to get me to go visit him at the medical center, but it had all been true. He really didn’t have anybody. His parents were dead. Now his brother. He refused to let anyone else close enough to care about him.
“Don’t look too maudlin, Lang,” he said, scratching at his throat, still smiling. “Believe me. I prefer it this way.”
I did believe him. He’d designed this life for himself, where he didn’t have to work with anyone, speak to anyone, see anyone if he didn’t want to. The lonely man in the lighthouse. The tormented man living by the sea. It was strange that he would have come back here after leaving the Causeway for so long, training in the military and being deployed. After all of the chaos and madness of Afghanistan, wouldn’t he have wanted to live in a big city somewhere? Or at least a little closer to civilization. I’d heard enough about ex-soldiers who’d come back from war, and found “normal” life on the mainland too slow paced. Life, as far as I could tell, had practically ground to a halt on the island.
“Shall we eat?” Sully said, breaking the tension between us. Or at least putting it to one side for a moment. Patting the sofa next to him, he gestured for me to come take a seat. I would have preferred to sit in the armchair, well away from his broad frame and his strangely intoxicating smell, but I knew what would happen if I made a point of sitting anywhere other than beside him now. He would mock me, endlessly, and I didn’t know if I could take much more teasing right now. Better just to sit down and deal with the close proximity.
Sully seemed bemused as we started to eat. Minutes passed by while we enjoyed the food without a word spoken between us. His plate was nearly clear when he broke the silence. “I don’t hate them, you know. I know they’re not to blame for anything that happened between Ronan and me. And Magda,” he said, in a much smaller voice. I knew precisely who he was talking about. I was just stunned to the core that he’d brought them up. He had made me promise not to discuss them yesterday, and yet he’d been the one to break that rule. Here he was, breaking it again.
When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “The thought of even seeing them makes me crazy, though. Magda always told me she didn’t want to have kids. And then a handful of years and three ruined lives later, she popped two out, just like that. Like it was nothing. Like she’d been meaning to her whole life.”
It made sense that he’d be resentful to the children. When he put it like that, I could understand. It was futile to be holding grudges against minors though. Like he’d said only a moment earlier, it really wasn’t their fault.
“I’m sorry, Sully. You must have loved Magda very much. It must hurt like hell to know her children are so close now.”
He put down his fork, staring at the mess of sauce and pasta that remained on his plate—I had the sneaking suspicion he’d suddenly lost his appetite. “It doesn’t, though. It doesn’t hurt at all. I’ve been numb for a very long time, Lang. Nothing touches me anymore. A nuclear bomb would have to detonate inside my chest cavity to stir even the faintest of responses from the lump of flesh that pumps my blood around my body.”
“I sure that’s an intentional def—”
“Do not say defense mechanism. I’m done defending myself from things. I decided assault was the only way forward a long time ago. Facing things head on, tackling the things that scare me without blinking. That’s how I’ve dealt with my problems since Afghanistan.”
“I can see that.”
“Can you, now?” he looked amused. “Well, there’s an interesting thought.”