Because You Love to Hate Me(31)
Sometimes the only way to fix a broken wall is to patch it up from within. I’m not a ghost trapped in purgatory, nor a girl waiting for men to decide her fate.
White queen to E6. I’m coming for you, Jim Moriarty.
Checkmate.
—Your BFF,
Shirley Holmes
SASHA ALSBERG’S VILLAIN CHALLENGE TO SUSAN DENNARD:
A Young Moriarty
DEAR SASHA, THE 411 FOR VILLAINS
BY SASHA ALSBERG
The thing that unnerves me about James Moriarty is that he doesn’t have any unrealistic powers or live in a made-up world. Quite the contrary, actually. He lives in the United Kingdom. He is a professor, mathematician, son, and brother. Without adding the criminal-mastermind factor to him, he seems like a pretty ordinary guy.
So why does this bother me? Well, it creeps me out because this guy—this crazy, intelligent, psycho man—could very realistically live in this world. Our reality. Which means he could also be online, stalking villain forums, giving advice on how to dance on the ashes of your enemies.
And so could I . . .
DEAR SASHA, THE 411 FOR VILLAINS
ABOUT ME:
Some of you may think you know me, but maybe that’s just what I want you to think. Have you ever thought of that? It only took a few sweet nothings and words of a white lie to structure my ultimate fa?ade. It was good fun for a while, but now I am ready to share my advice with some sorry souls who need a little help in the criminal-mastermind world.
Being a criminal mastermind isn’t a job; it’s a lifestyle.
Love,
Sasha
One Fed-Up Failure Sasha
Dear Sasha,
I have been struggling with the criminal-mastermind lifestyle. Not because I don’t want to become one, but because whenever I try to do something evil, well, I get caught. I’ve had to move ten times in the past year just to avoid the cops. Do I just suck at being a villain? All I want is to weasel my way into people’s lives and take all their money. Is that too much to ask? That being said, how can I avoid getting caught? I need your help.
Sincerely,
One Fed-Up Failure
Sasha One Fed-Up Failure
Dear Fed-Up Failure,
Wow, you got yourself in a pickle, haven’t you? It sure is a bummer when you can’t do what your heart desires. Something you need to remember is we all have to start somewhere and learn from our past actions.
You seem to be trying a bit too hard to stay inconspicuous. Try becoming close friends with some trust fund babies and earning their respect. Get close to them. It may take a while, a few months to a few years, but once you have them in your grasp, clamp shut and take everything you can grab and get the heck out of there. Don’t run and hide; get ahead of the game and work your way up to the top.
You got this!
Best, Sasha
Undermined Underlord Sasha
Dear Sasha,
I have been trying to blackmail my arch nemesis, Fredrick, for two weeks now. I need him to respect me and the power I have over him, but I’m having a serious problem . . . He thinks I’m a joke. Whenever I threaten to expose his secret life as a cosplayer, he seems to not care. I’ll insert a section of our text messages:
Me: Fredrick Monstepi, you need to deliver $100,000 to the corner of Sher Drive and Lock Street by Wednesday, July 5, or else I will expose your secret life of cosplay to the world . . .
Fredrick: Hello again, Nigel. Might as well get some promotion from this, so make sure when you “expose” me to tag my cosplay page: @FredCosALot. Thanks, buddy.
Do you see the disrespect he has for me? I am sick of this. Please, Sasha, tell me what to do. I need your supreme guidance.
Sincerely,
Undermined Underlord
Sasha Undermined Underlord
Dear Underlord,
The problem is simple. Your leverage against him is so utterly weak that it’s not even a threat. Cosplay? Really? Cosplay is so cool! Nerd culture is nothing to be ashamed of, and neither is cosplaying. So what you need to do is find something juicy to use against him, like a dirty hobby, a secret dungeon, a hidden child, or a missing ex-lover. It needs to be something police-worthy, and if he has nothing, make something up.
Also, Fredrick knew who you were, so that broke one of the major rules of thievery: never expose yourself until the time is right.
Good luck on your quest, Underlord.
Best,
Sasha
Professor James Moriarty Sasha
Dear Sasha Marie Alsberg,
I know a lot about you. I have been studying you for a while through this forum of yours, and let me say, I’m impressed. But I now have some tips for you.
When you are submerged in this criminal underworld, everyone is your enemy. You help these sorry excuses for masterminds become who they strive to be, but in the meantime, you are helping them gain an upper hand. You are breeding criminals, making them your equals, when really you should be degrading them, tricking them, and making them no more than an ant under your shoe. With your hand feeding these men and women, they will one day come back to bite you. And who is to blame? That’s correct: you.
With the internet at our fingertips today, it just seems too easy to get what you want. I learned the hard way. It all started with manipulating a few peers as a young lad. They were the puppets on my strings, and it has escalated since then into my now empire of deception.