Beautiful Broken Things(Beautiful Broken Things #1)(92)

It worked. For a split second she looked startled, then her face changed and she laughed out loud. ‘I know, right?’ she said. The smile disappeared almost as soon as it had arrived, her face falling sad and flat again. She twisted the bag handles in her fingers, letting out a sigh. ‘God, this is hard.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said again. Her words had started to register and now I had guilt flooding into my head as well as everything else. The last thing I wanted to do was make her question seven weeks’ worth of progress.

‘What for?’

‘Everything.’ I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, wishing I was better at this. ‘For being so useless.’

‘No, Caddy. No. You’re the best person I know.’ She dropped the gift bag’s handles and took a hold of both my hands, squeezing for emphasis. The gesture was so adult-like, but also somehow so her, it brought on a fresh wave of tears. ‘The best. OK? I don’t think you’ll ever know what you’ve done for me, and how much it means that someone like you would care so much about someone like me.’

‘Someone like you is brilliant and amazing,’ I said. ‘Why can’t you see that in yourself?’ The unfairness of it was starting to sink in. If she could only see herself like I did, there wouldn’t be a problem. But she didn’t, and she never would, and that was so many levels of wrong and unfair I almost couldn’t comprehend it.

Suzanne’s chin quivered slightly and I saw her bite down on her tongue again. ‘You know why,’ she said softly. ‘Please. Don’t do this.’ She let go of my hands and sat back slightly, letting out a breath. ‘Look . . . Knowing that you see that is everything. Really.’ She chanced a smile, shaky but there. ‘And I can take that with me, you know? To Southampton and wherever else I go. I know that there are good people and that they can be good to me. I just have to find them. And, you know, not take them on midnight walkabouts and up on to roofs of abandoned buildings.’ She looked guilty and I got the sense that this was probably an area she’d covered multiple times with the therapists.

‘But I had more fun doing those things with you than I’ve basically had ever,’ I said. ‘Doesn’t that matter?’

She made a face. ‘That’s kind of my point. People said I was a bad influence on you, and I was. But I didn’t mean to be. I didn’t want to be. But just because I didn’t want it and you didn’t see it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. You know? And I really, really don’t want to be that kind of person. Which is why I need to do this, like I said. Start over, but properly this time. Find out who I want to be, find good people to be it with, yeah?’

I looked at her, my brilliant, beautiful, battle-scarred friend. So recently a stranger. So almost a ghost. You can be it with me, I wanted to say. I could convince her, if I tried. I knew she trusted me, that she’d listen, if I pushed this.

‘Anyone you meet will be lucky to know you,’ I said instead.

A smile broke out over her face, sweet and soft and genuine. ‘Thanks.’

‘I’ll miss you.’ Three inadequate words.

‘I’ll miss you.’

‘Will you come back and visit?’ I asked.

Suzanne hesitated. ‘Maybe one day. But not for a while, OK?’

‘Well, maybe me and Roz can visit you,’ I said. ‘In Southampton.’

She was silent for a while, but I could see the truth on her face and I could feel it in the space between us. There was no need to make her say it, so I didn’t.

‘Are you going to see Rosie? Or do you want me to tell her about . . . all this?’

Suzanne brushed her hair back from her forehead, a wobbly smile chancing on her face. ‘Rosie already knows.’

‘What? How?’

‘I emailed her a few days ago. I wanted to talk to her before I talked to you. Plus I had a lot I wanted to say to her that I wanted to get right, and with email I got the chance to think everything through.’

‘She didn’t tell me.’

‘I asked her not to.’

Rosie had said, Just go and see how things are. Oh God. More tears.

‘Things with Roz . . .’ Suzanne continued, then hesitated. ‘I felt like she was one of the people I’d messed things up with the most. We had so many stupid fights near the end. But the thing with her is that she always kind of . . . got me. Like, she understood the crappy side of me and she’d call me out on it every time, and it was kind of tough to deal with sometimes, but it was the right thing for her to do, especially when it came to you. She used to tell me that she couldn’t stop me fucking up my own life, but I couldn’t drag you down with me.’ She shook her head. ‘I hated that she was so right. And I think I was jealous of what you two had, if I’m really honest. I wanted friends like that.’

‘You do have friends like that,’ I said. ‘You have us.’

‘That’s exactly what Rosie said.’ For a second I thought she was going to start crying again, but she sighed instead. ‘God, the two of you.’ She almost laughed. ‘I don’t think I even knew what “best” meant until I met you both.’

‘How come Rosie isn’t here?’ I asked. It had been bothering me. ‘How come you just wanted to see me?’

‘Because . . .’ She paused, chewing on her top lip. ‘I didn’t need to see Rosie to say all of this, and she didn’t need to see me. We kind of understand each other in that way. We’ve been emailing a lot, and her emails are brilliant. Like, they actually make me laugh, and I haven’t been doing much of that recently. But we talked about it, and she was the one who said I had to see you in person to explain, because it was going to hit you hard. I told her she could come too, but she said this kind of thing would be better one on one.’ She looked at me. ‘She’s not one to say it, but you know how much she cares, right? She really loves you.’