Beautiful Broken Things(Beautiful Broken Things #1)(73)

I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said the only thing I could. ‘I’m sorry.’

Tarin looked at me. The disappointment on her face was worse than anything Mum or Dad could ever say to me. ‘I know, Cads.’

‘Do you still love me?’ I asked. I’d meant to tease, but as I spoke I pictured Suzanne the previous night, the look on her face when she’d reminded me that no one would stop loving me because I’d stayed out for one night.

I saw the reluctant smile break out on Tarin’s face. ‘Of course I still love you, you minge. Here.’ She angled her wrist and tossed the origami bird towards me. It landed, small and delicate, safe in my lap.

Rosie called later that evening, and was allowed to speak to me because she was The Good One. I could hear in her voice that she was nervous, even as she tried to sound bold.

‘Did you get in trouble?’ she asked me.

‘Yes,’ I said shortly. ‘Happy?’

‘No,’ she said, her voice quietening. ‘What happened?’

‘They yelled. I’m grounded. Did you want anything or were you just calling to gloat?’

‘Of course not,’ she said, sounding hurt. ‘Look, I’m sorry you got in trouble. But that’s not actually my fault. You were the one who went. And you were the one who lied.’

‘The only reason you did it was to get back at me,’ I said, ‘which is really petty, Roz.’

There was a short silence. ‘Well, we’re even now,’ she said eventually. ‘Maybe I was a bit petty, but you were stupid. So.’

‘Even?’ I repeated, incredulous. ‘You just ratted me out to my parents. Who does that?!’

‘Who leaves their friend at a party?’ Rosie shot back, fire back in her voice. ‘And anyway, I spoke to Tarin, not your parents.’

‘Rosie,’ I said sharply, ‘why don’t you just apologize?’ As I spoke, I realized she’d already sort-of apologized, but I carried on anyway. ‘You haven’t just got me in trouble; you’ve completely screwed things up for Suze. My parents are saying we can’t even be friends any more.’

‘God, Caddy! Suze has screwed things up for herself. AGAIN. I can’t believe that even after something like this, you still can’t see that.’

Almost without warning, I felt tears springing to my eyes. How had we got here? Rosie and I had never been the kind of friends who argued. And now here we were, fighting two Sundays in a row.

‘You both brought all this on yourselves,’ Rosie said. ‘If you don’t like the consequences, that’s not my fault. But I’m your best friend. I’m not going to tell you everything’s fine when it’s not. I think your parents are right, OK? She’s clearly a bad influence on you.’

This was when something in me snapped. ‘Why do you all think you know me better than I know myself?’ My voice was suddenly louder than normal. ‘Do you really think I’m so stupid I can’t make my own decisions?’

‘Caddy—’

‘You’re just jealous, Roz. It’s so obvious. And you know what? You should just get over it. Really.’

Tarin had appeared in the living-room doorway, her eyes wide and incredulous. I turned away from her, pressing the phone so hard against my ear it was starting to burn. ‘And actually –’ I stopped. There was a dial tone on the other end of the line. Rosie had hung up. ‘Oh,’ I said.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Tarin asked.

‘No,’ I said, getting up and walking past her, the tears finally breaking free and spilling down my face. ‘I really, really don’t.’

Here’s the thing though. For all the talk of consequences, nothing actually happened. Yes, I was grounded, but I knew it wouldn’t be forever. True, I was fighting with my best friend, but I was sure that too would pass. My parents were disappointed in me, but Suzanne had been completely right about one thing: they weren’t going to stop loving me.

I’d stayed out drinking and smoking in a park with a bunch of relative strangers in a city I didn’t know, and I was fine. Everything was the same. I woke up on Monday morning and went to school, and nothing had changed. It made no sense, but I felt buoyed by the weekend’s events. I’d done something wrong, I’d got caught, and the world had carried on turning and my cereal tasted just the same in the morning. All these years I’d been so worried about being good. The taste of the alternative was caramel sweet. I wanted more.

The problem was Suzanne. With all methods of communication severed between us, I had no way of knowing how she was, and I worried for her. If Rosie was angry with me, she’d surely be furious with Suzanne, the catalyst for all the changes she didn’t like. And what about Sarah, who’d sent Suzanne to Brian in the first place because she didn’t know how to handle her behaviour?

I used my lunch break to send her an email. I kept it short, hoping she’d had the same idea and would reply before I had to go to maths. But no response came until Thursday and it only made me feel worse.

Thursday 13.23

From: Suzanne Watts {[email protected]}

To: Caddy Oliver {[email protected]}

Cads,

Sorry for late reply. No access to anything. No phone, nothing. God, everything is so shit, Caddy. I ruined everything. I’m so sorry you got in trouble with your parents, and Roz. Are you sure ur not mad? I’d be mad if it was me. I don’t know why you put up with me. When I got back on Sunday Sarah just cried, and then I cried and Brian got all awkward and then left. I don’t know why I do this. What’s wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just go to brian’s like I was meant to? Sarah says she doesn’t know what to do with me. No, Roz and I aren’t fighting. She’s just completely ignoring me. It’s horrible.