Baking and Babies (Chocoholics #3)(75)

“In the words of the great Maury Povich, ‘You ARE the father’.”

“Rule number one: P.O.R.N. is more fun with friends, invite them. Otherwise, you just look pitiful engaging in P.O.R.N. alone. Rule number two: Sharp objects should never be used in P.O.R.N. Poking someone’s eye out will ruin the moment. Rule number three: Sneak attacks or ‘back door action’ must come with advanced warnings or have prior approval. Rule number four: Only two balls allowed in play at all times to avoid ball-confusion, unless approved by the judges. Rule number five: P.O.R.N. is over when the other player(s) say it’s over. Otherwise, someone is left holding useless balls.”

“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they cut your wiener.”

“Vajingo. As in ‘maybe the vajingo ate your penis’.”

“Stop by Seduction and Snacks for the grand opening tomorrow and try some of Claire’s boobs. They’re delicious!”

“You are a gigantic, stinkotic, vaginastic, clitoral, liptistic whore dizzle.”

“You’re a dick. Go f*ck your face.”

“FUCK YOU, SAM I AM!”

“No nut shots before lunch.”

“These snozzberries taste like SNOZZBERRIES!”

“Wait, maybe it was the nuts. Is Claire allergic to nuts? She might be going into anal flaccid shock.”

“I want to teach inappropriate things to our children with you forever. Claire Donna Morgan, will you please, please marry me and love me for the rest of your life?”

“A. SEX. SWING. From the Latin words, ‘you are supposed to f*ck in it, not rock your kid to sleep’.”

“My toilet is your toilet; your spoop is my spoop. I’m on this train, but just so you know, I don’t want to be the caboose.”

“It’s the f*cking zombie virus! Son of a bitch, I told you this day was coming! No one believed me and you all laughed. Well, who the f*ck is laughing now?! If I go first, you kill me before I eat ANYONE’S face off, do you hear me?”

“Vagina Skittles are delicious.”

“You spidermanned the one you love.”

“It’s f*cking Meerkat Manor in my pants.”

“I roofied you because I wanted you naked …. and afraid.”

“RUN, VAGINAMAN, RUN!”

“Just say NO to weird sex, Gavin!”

“SON OF A BITCH, TAYLOR SWIFT! I TOLD YOU, NOT UNTIL THE CHORUS!”

“No, YOU shut your prancing face, Twilight Sparkle, before my parents hear you.”

“HONEST MISTAKE?! An honest mistake is speeding, spilling a glass of milk or calling someone by the wrong name. It is NOT sticking your dick in the wrong hole!”

“My tits may be small, but they’re deadly”

“Right at that moment, I knew that I would do anything for my best friend. I would hold her hand when she was in pain, scream at my catatonic fiancé when he saw her vagina and sit by her side when she became a mom. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I knew that’s how it would always be.”

The video ends with a picture of my mom and Aunt Claire standing in front of Seduction and Snacks on the day it opened and fades to black with a picture of them standing in front of a map of the United States filled with red dots indicating every Seduction and Snacks store open today.

Dad stops the DVD and the room is silent aside from a few sniffles every couple of seconds.

“Are you *s crying? There’s no crying in Vagina Skittles!” Uncle Drew shouts. “Dammit, Tom Brady! Get your hand off your dick!”

He quickly grabs the animal from the floor and continues scolding him softly.

“We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we, Slutbag McFuckstick?” Mom whispers to Aunt Claire as she rests her head on her shoulder.

“I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you, ass face,” Aunt Claire whispers back, resting her cheek on Mom’s head. “You told me I had nothing to lose by taking a chance and you were right. Everything I have is because of you. Thank you for being my person.”

Mom wipes a tear from her cheek and the two best friends, who started us all on this crazy ride, wrap their arms around each other on the couch.

“How about one more toast?” Uncle Carter suggests, grabbing another bottle of cherry vodka from the coffee table and unscrewing the cap.

Everyone quickly passes it around and refills their shot glasses, raising them in the air when the last person’s glass is full.

“To Seduction and Snacks—where it all began,” Uncle Carter says.

“To Seduction and Snacks!” we cheer, toasting each other and tossing the shots back.

“Alright, enough of this sappy shit or I’m going to grow a vagina,” Uncle Drew complains, setting his empty shot glass on the coffee table and pushing himself up from the couch, promptly dumping Aunt Jenny onto the floor. “Who’s in the mood for a little Ceiling Fan Baseball?”

Mom jumps up from the couch. “I’ll get the dinner rolls!”

“I’ll get the frying pans and cutting boards!” Aunt Claire adds, following my mom into the kitchen.

“Can I be up to goal first? Maybe shooting a basket will unstick these Benjamin Balls from my vagina,” Aunt Jenny says as she waddles behind everyone else.