Away From the Dark (The Light #2)(35)

His eyes narrowed. “Listen to me.” His even tone held an edge of harshness. “Raquel didn’t know what kind of man Thomas was, but by getting you away from him, she saved you. What she does know, what she’s the most concerned about, is what would’ve happened if The Light found you. She risked her own well-being to save your life. Her lies were no more malicious than mine. She isn’t undercover, but she believes. Like many of the others, she sincerely believes that what she’s doing is for the greater good. She only wanted your success.”

My chin fell to my chest. “It’s just so hard to wrap my mind around.” I looked back up. When his grip loosened and his arms again surrounded me, I fell back against his chest. “I have so many more questions.”

He led me to the bed. “We need to leave this room in a couple of hours. One way or the other. Either we’re both going with the FBI or we’re both going back to The Light. No matter your decision, we should try to get some rest.”

I lay back down, the blanket still wrapped around me, and Jacob covered me with the bed’s cover. As I settled against the pillow, I asked, “What if I’d been given to someone like Abraham?”

Jacob’s neck straightened and the vein along the side pulsated. He didn’t speak, only shook his head.

“How can you watch that and transport women knowing that they could end up like that?”

He kissed my forehead. “I’ll need your answer when I wake you.”

I swallowed my tears. “Will you please lie here with me?”

“Sara?”

“Please, I know it isn’t fair. I meant what I said about sex, but I have no idea what I’m going to do.” I sniffled. “All I know is I want you near me right now.”

Jacob sighed and climbed onto the other side of the bed. Scooting closer, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and I nuzzled against his chest.

“I had images of the two of us saving them all,” I said, “but that’s not what’s going to happen, is it?”

His chest moved with his answer. “No. There will most likely be casualties.”

“But I can’t go back to my life . . . either. Can I? I mean to my life as Stella?”

“No, I’m sorry . . .”

I closed my eyes and refused to listen to the rest of his apology. He was right. He could say it a million times and it wouldn’t be sufficient. Though he’d done his best for me, there were others, so many others, and he’d had a hand in their fate. For three years he’d transported unconscious women across the country to enslave them in a life they never wanted or imagined in their wildest dreams. It wasn’t as if The Light were a horrific orgy. There were specific rules about the sanctity of marriage, yet it was all a farce. The marriages weren’t real. Unless . . .

My head popped up. “Wait. Is Father Gabriel really a minister, like ordained?”

“Yes. He has to be, for tax purposes. He’s the head of a church.”

“Then . . . does he marry the women—” I jumped to my real question: “Are we really married?”

His embrace loosened as he sighed. “He does. I mean he did. There wasn’t a ceremony as such, but he married Jacob Adams to Sara, making you Sara Adams. I’m not Jacob Adams and you’re not Sara.”

Using my thumb, I turned my wedding band. “I’m so confused. I wish I still hated you.”

“You should.”

I agreed, I should, but I didn’t. “Will I ever know what’s real and what’s been conditioned into me?”

“Take option one. There are people who help with deprogramming. They’ll work with you; they’ll help you.”

“Will they help the others?”

“All that they can.”

The motel room fell into an eerie silence; only the hum of the heating unit near the window made noise. It was our reminder that time was passing, the tick-tock telling us that our clock was running. Someone else had wound it up, and neither of us could make it stop.

As I lay in his embrace, sleep stayed out of reach. Despite his even breaths, I was certain that Jacob couldn’t sleep either. My mind was in a constant battle. I didn’t know if it was Sara versus Stella, or the desire to help Jacob and our friends while bringing down a tyrant versus walking away. All I knew was that I was walking a figurative fence, each thought pulling me from one side to the other. No matter where I landed, Stella was gone, and the pain of that loss was paralyzing.

There was also the man with his arm around me.

Did I love him, or was I only conditioned to love him? Did I dare think about Dylan?

Dylan and I hadn’t been that serious, yet it had been more serious than I’d ever been—than Stella had ever been. A tear fell onto Jacob’s chest as I remembered Dylan’s warnings about Highland Heights. He’d lost his parents and now he’d lost me. The ripples continued to move further and further away.

After everything that Jacob had done, I decided I couldn’t leave him without giving him the one thing he’d asked for. Wiping my tears, I sat up and said, “Are you awake?”

“Yes.”

“You asked me for something earlier. You asked me to tell you that I understood why you did what you did.” I lifted his hand, intertwined our fingers, and kissed his knuckles, as he’d done to me over and over. “It’s totally f*cked up, but I do. I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better husband. I mean if this was my fate, predetermined for whatever reason, I’m not sorry I was assigned to you, Jacoby. I believe that you made it as good as it could be.”