Away From the Dark (The Light #2)(29)

Those who rejected it didn’t succeed. They didn’t go on to become Assemblymen. I studied. I listened, and I performed. I couldn’t fail.

I sighed at the memories and went on with my answer. “In the back of my mind I kept my objective, but I didn’t have to think anymore. I was.”

“So with me . . . ?” She left the question open.

There were so many ways I could go. “With you I had time. You were unconscious for a week.”

“Did you really stay with me, or did I imagine that?”

“I stayed with you.” I didn’t want to tell her that Dr. Newton had injured her more between the attack and when I got to her. She didn’t need to know how depraved he was too. When she only nodded, I went on. “So I had time to work through my issues. I talked to you. I confessed the truth about our relationship.”

“That we didn’t have one?”

“No. I said it was new, but I also told you that I’d seen you, and I’d do my damnedest to make you laugh like you had.”

Staring straight ahead, she wiped a tear.

“I’m so sorry.”

Sara shook her head. “The thing is, you did. In that whole f*cked-up world, I wasn’t really unhappy. I was at first, but then it felt . . . I don’t know . . . right.” She turned toward me. Her cheeks were dotted with blotchy red patches, the way they were when she cried. “I want to hate you. When my memories first came back, I hoped you were a victim too. That’s what I tried to convince myself. But now, knowing that you knew, that you were part of it . . . I want to hate you.

“The thing is, as Sara I’m so different than I am as Stella. Different, not better or worse. Stella had a career and a fish.” She laughed. “I hope Dylan took care of Fred.”

I doubted that * had done anything, but I wouldn’t say that either. “Fred? Was that your fish?”

Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “Yes. I feel like I’m two different people. Stella had a fish. Sara wanted a baby.”

“Do you understand why I said no?”

She nodded. “Now I do, but I . . .” She looked down.

“I know what you did. It’s why your memory came back.”

Her gaze snapped back to mine. “You know? How do you know?”

“The drug that kept your memory away was in your birth control medicine. And, well, Raquel told me.”

She nodded with the confirmation of her theory and then huffed. “So much for friendship confidentiality.”

“In all fairness, she didn’t tell me until today.”

“Today?”

“Well, it seems like longer ago than that. After the incident with Brother Timothy, Sister Lilith, and your hair, I worried about leaving you alone, especially since I had to be gone overnight. So one of the times I left, early on after we returned to the community, I bought a burner phone. You know, a disposable one, untraceable?”

She nodded, her eyes wide.

“I took a chance. Elizabeth is too conditioned. I knew I couldn’t ask her to break rules.”

“So you asked Raquel?”

I nodded. “Benjamin knew too. We all prayed that the phone would never need to be used.”

Sara reached for my hand. I rolled my wrist so our palms would touch and our fingers intertwine. “See,” she said, “I’m so mixed up. I hate that it was all a lie, but things like that make it seem real.”

I lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I told you that I didn’t lie about my feelings.”

Though she sighed, she didn’t pull her hand away.

“So,” I said, “your memories have been back for over a week, and when you were with me, you were Sara?” She nodded. “This morning, before I left, you told me you loved me.” She nodded again. “And that was a lie?”

“Sara loves Jacob.” She squeezed my hand. “That’s all I can give you.”

It was my turn to nod. “What happened with Thomas?”

She quickly turned toward me. “I told you, nothing.”

“No, I believe that. I’m asking how you ended up with him. Deputy Hill said that you said he took you against your will, but . . . what did the but mean?”

She sighed. “I went for a walk before work, and I saw your truck.”

“My truck?”

“I knew you hadn’t driven it into the community. You were gone. I’d seen Thomas in the community before. I didn’t understand how he did it. Xavier never did, but I took a chance.”

My pulse quickened. “You spoke to him in the community where others may have seen you?”

She shook her head. “No, I made sure that no one was around, and I got in the truck. I hid in the backseat, on the floor under a blanket.”

Though she’d totally f*cked up both of our lives, my cheeks rose as I shook my head with newfound admiration. “Damn, you’re brave.”

“It was stupid. I took a chance and it almost cost me more than I was willing to pay.”

I didn’t know how to respond. It had cost both of us, it wasn’t almost.

“I thought I was good until he drove through the gates and then a few minutes later stopped the truck. He knew I was there.” Her eyes opened wide again. “Jacob? I mean Jacoby?”