Article 5 (Article 5 #1)(78)

“Sean, wait,” I said as he was leaving. “I just … I’m so sorry.”

He looked at me for a long time through tired eyes. They were not resentful, not mistrusting anymore. He didn’t blame me. And somehow that made me feel worse.

“It’s them, Miller. Not us. It’s the FBR that should be sorry.”

*



AFTER a while I went to the window, comforted by the cold air on my face. It was dark now. Through the bars of the fire escape I could see headlights snaking through the city intersections in the distance, and the goose bumps rose on my skin. Curfew was on. The MM was just below. All around. Everywhere.

It’s the FBR that should be sorry, Sean had said.

He was right. They’d taken Rebecca. They’d taken my mother. They’d nearly broken Chase. Now we could never go home. We would have to live in hiding forever.

I tried to force my thoughts elsewhere but was bombarded by images from the day. The throngs of starving people. The dead man by the generator. Sean—when I hadn’t known it was Sean—yanking me through the crowd. The acceptance that Chase could still make it, even if I didn’t.

He was stronger. A fighter. He could survive in this world.

“We need a new plan. New rules,” I began, trying to sound strong. Chase had been listening down the hall, but at the sound of my voice he stepped away from the doorway and waited for me to continue. I hoped he wouldn’t try to be difficult; it was hard enough acknowledging what I was about to say myself.

“If the MM finds one of us, the other needs to go on. The other needs to get to the safe house and find my mom and make sure she’s okay.”

My words sounded hollow. He didn’t say anything.

“You can’t come after me if I get taken, do you understand?”

Still nothing.

“Chase!” I slammed a fist down on the windowsill and the pane rattled. “Are you listening to me?”

“Yes.” He was standing right behind me. I spun into him.

“Yes, you’ll do it?” I knew I should be relieved, but I didn’t feel it.

“Yes, I’m listening. No. I won’t do it.”

The same fear iced my spine that I’d felt earlier today in the square. The fear that my mother would be on her own. The fear that Chase would be caught and condemned to death. The tears were coming now; there was no use trying to hide them.

“Why not? If something happens to me…”

“Nothing is going to happen to you!” He grabbed me by the elbows, making me stand on my tiptoes. His eyes burned with the anger I knew he only reached through fear. How did I know that about him? I thought fleetingly. How could I read that, when I hardly knew what I was feeling?

“What if something does?” I threw back. “I can die, just like Katelyn Meadows! I can starve like that man in the square! I can be taken by the MM, or shot—”

“STOP!” he shouted. My mouth fell open. He breathed out unsteadily, his face pale in the dark room, and tried to compose himself. He was only mildly successful.

“Ember, I swear on my life, I will not let anything like that happen.”

I crumpled in his arms, crying freely now because I was afraid. Because I didn’t want to die. Because if I did, I had secured no future for my mother or Chase. For the people I loved.

I hadn’t ever cried before him like this. Everything I’d been holding back crashed over me. Losing my mother. Missing my friends. Hurting Sean and Rebecca. The carrier on Rudy Lane begging for his son. The man in the square. Chase pulled me in tightly, sheltering me with his body, hiding me from the fears that lashed both of us.

“Why did you come after me?” I sobbed. “If Sean had been a real soldier, you could have been killed.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do!”

“I won’t leave you.”

I shoved back. He was averse to letting me.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing anyway? Leaving? Just as soon as we get to the safe house?”

He opened his mouth, closed it.

“I … I was going to leave that up to you.”

What did that mean? I could just kick him away from his own safety because I didn’t want him around? As if we hadn’t lived five yards apart for most of our lives? Who was I to make that call? No, that wasn’t the reason. He was deflecting to me because it was easier for him if I was the one that pushed him away. That way he wouldn’t have to hurt feelings. That way he could run back here and join the resistance.

“Let go of me,” I said unsteadily. I tried to breathe, but my lungs felt constricted. “I know you want to keep your promise, so go ahead. Protect me. But when we get there, your obligation’s over. You don’t owe me a thing. I survived you leaving before, Chase. I’ll do it again.”

He stared at me, shocked. I could hardly believe what I had just said.

“I’m tired now,” I said. “There are more than enough people taking watch.” I reminded myself to keep my chin lifted as I opened the door. “I’ll be fine alone.”

“I won’t.”

Before I could turn toward him, he placed his hand over mine and closed the door softly. I became aware of every one of his movements. The tightening of the muscles in his shoulders. The difference in his breathing. Each one of his warm fingers over mine. And the changes in myself, also. The tingling of my skin. The doubt, like a stone in my belly.