All the Lies We Tell (Quarry Road #1)(36)

“Yeah. Me, too. In a minute.” His back still facing them, Nikolai fussed with his tie.

It was probably wrong for her to hold back a smug grin, because the reason why he had to keep himself turned away was the raging hard-on she’d given him, right? Wrong to feel now that she had somehow one-upped him the way they used to. Alicia did her best to keep her expression neutral as she started down the stairs behind Ilya. Still, at the bottom, she had to hold on tight to the railing and give her weak knees a moment before she could step out into the hallway.

“What’s wrong with you?” Another man might’ve asked it suspiciously, or maybe solicitously. Concerned for her well-being. But Ilya, being Ilya, barely waited for an answer before he pulled her into an embrace she didn’t fend off only because he’d taken her by surprise. “Shit, Allie, all of this feels like shit.”

What could she do but put her arms around him and squeeze him? To rub his back as he buried his face against the side of her neck? All she could do was pray he didn’t smell his brother on her skin. Alicia sighed as Ilya clung to her.

“I know, honey. It’s all terrible and sad,” she said.

He grunted against her and pulled away. No tears, but red eyes. He hadn’t shaven, nor showered, by the smell of it. Not for days. “How could you know? You have no idea how I feel.”

Alicia blinked. “I guess nobody else can ever really know, but—”

“You have no clue,” Ilya muttered, and stabbed a finger directly at her. “You couldn’t possibly begin to imagine what this is like for me. She wasn’t your grandmother.”

“She wasn’t . . . ?” Stunned, Alicia cut herself off midsentence.

Ilya had always been capable of using words to slice and tear, just like he’d been able to use them to seduce and charm and woo. If you loved him, you learned to forgive him, and Alicia had loved him, in several different ways, for a very long time. But this cut deep. Cruelly so.

“I loved her, too, Ilya.” From behind her, the attic door creaked, but she didn’t turn. She didn’t want to look at Nikolai right now.

“It’s not the same,” Ilya said, then delivered the final, burning wound. “You have no idea what it’s really like, to lose someone so close.”

“You’re drunk, right? You have to be. Because surely you did not just accuse me of being incapable of compassion and empathy, and certainly,” she spat out, “that I don’t understand. Did you?”

“Shit. Allie.” Nikolai stepped through the doorway, but she shrugged off his touch.

“You did not just tell me,” she repeated softly as she advanced on Ilya, stabbing him in the chest with her fingertip, “that I’ve never lost someone close to me.”

“I—” he began, but she poked him again, and wisely, for maybe the first time in his life, Ilya was smart enough to shut up.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.” She was too angry even to cry. “Don’t you ever try to tell me I don’t understand what it’s like to lose someone. Don’t you ever f*cking dare.”

He might have said more to her after that, but she was already pushing past him and heading down the back stairs. Her breath came fast and hard, burning in her throat as she fought against the urge to scream. Dodging the junk lining the stairs, she made a misstep at the last moment and tripped. She fell against the door at the bottom, which wasn’t locked. It flew open so hard it banged against the wall with a hollow thud. Alicia stumbled down the final two steps, certain she was going to face-plant on the kitchen’s faded linoleum.

A strong hand caught her. Held her up. Struggling to get herself settled, Alicia didn’t at first see who’d saved her from falling.

“Jenni . . . Jennilynn?”

The big hands gripped Alicia’s arms harder, then released so she could stand on her own. She pushed her hair out of her face. The man who stood in front of her looking so stunned wore a dark-gray suit and the shadow of a beard. She hadn’t seen him in a couple of decades.

“No, Mr. Malone, I’m Alicia.”

“Jenni’s sister. My God.” Barry wiped a hand over his mouth, clearly shaken. “You looked so much like her for a second there . . .”

She’d heard that before, although not for years. She supposed it was meant as a compliment. She stepped away from him.

“I guess I haven’t seen you in a long time.” Barry gave her a weak smile. “I’m sorry. How are you, Allie?”

She wasn’t much in the mood for small talk, but she managed to force her lips into the semblance of a smile. “Under the circumstances, I’m as good as I can be, I guess.”

“Right. Of course.” He cleared his throat and shifted on the balls of his feet, looking uncomfortable. “I’m here to sit shiva. Umm . . . Galina invited me. I hope that’s okay.”

“She’s allowed to ask whoever she wants,” Alicia said. “If you’ll excuse me.”

She left the kitchen without waiting for him to answer her, not caring whether it was rude. Only once she was across the street again, safe behind her own locked door, did she allow herself to let out the strangled breaths she’d been holding. But then, no matter how hard she tried to scream, all she could do was whisper.

“Don’t you ever tell me that I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone.”