All Is Not Forgotten(6)
Charlotte was put off, but she did as she was asked. She is not a difficult person, and if my descriptions of her indicate otherwise, I assure you most vehemently that it is not by design. I have great respect for Charlotte Kramer. She has not had an easy life, and her adaptations to her own childhood trauma are surprisingly mild—and reflective of the fortitude of her constitution. I believed she truly loved her husband, even when she emasculated him. And that she loved her children, loved them equally, even though she held Jenny to higher standards. But love is a term of art and not science. We can, each and every one of us, describe it in different words, and feel it differently within our bodies. Love can make one person cry and another smile. One angry and another sad. One aroused and another sleepy with contentment.
Charlotte experienced love through a prism. It’s hard to describe without again sounding judgmental, or causing you to dislike her. But Charlotte desperately needed to create what was taken from her as a child—a traditional (I believe she even said “boring”) American family. She loved her town because it was filled with like-minded, hardworking people with good morals. She loved her house because it was a New England colonial in a quiet neighborhood. She loved being married to Tom because he was a family man with a good job—not a great job, but great jobs pulled men away from their families. Tom ran several car dealerships, and it’s important to note that he sold BMWs, Jaguars, and other luxury cars. I was informed that this is quite distinct from “peddling” Hyundais. Whether Charlotte loved Tom beyond all of this was not known to either of them. She loved her children because they were hers, and because they were everything children should be. Smart, athletic, and (mostly) obedient, but also messy, noisy, silly, and requiring a great deal of hard work and effort, which provided her with a worthwhile occupation and something she could discuss at length with her friends at the club over luncheon. Each piece of this picture she loved and loved deeply. So when Jenny got “broken,” she became desperate to fix her. As I’ve said, she needed to repair her house.
Jenny had been sedated after arriving to the ER. The kids who found her described her as floating in and out of consciousness, though it was more likely the effect of shock than inebriation. Her eyes remained open and she was able to sit up and then walk with minimal assistance across the lawn to a lounge chair. Their description was that she sometimes seemed to know them and where she was and what had happened, and seconds later was unresponsive to their questions. Catatonic. She asked for help. She cried. Then she went blank. The paramedics reported the same behavior, but it is their policy not to administer sedatives. It was at the hospital, when the examination began, that she became hysterical. Dr. Baird made the call to give her some relief. There was enough bleeding to warrant concern and not wait for consent to prescribe the medication so they could examine her.
In spite of her outward appearance, Charlotte was deeply affected by the sight of her daughter. In fact, it was my impression that she came quite close in that first moment to feeling what Tom felt. Though they rarely touched outside their bedroom (and there only to perform the mechanics of intimacy), she took Tom’s arm with both her hands. She buried her face into the sleeve of his shirt and whispered the words “Oh my God.” She did not cry, but Tom felt her nails digging into his skin as she fought for her composure. When she tried to swallow, she found her mouth to be bone dry.
Detective Parsons could see them through the curtain. He remembered their faces as they looked down at their child. Tom’s was contorted and sloppy with tears, his agony painted upon his flesh. Charlotte’s, after the brief loss of composure, was determined. Parsons called it a stiff upper lip. He said he felt uncomfortable observing them in this intimate moment, though he did not look away. He said he was taken aback by Tom’s weakness and Charlotte’s strength, though anyone with a less simplistic understanding of human emotion would understand that it was actually quite the opposite. It requires far more strength to experience emotion than to suppress it.
Dr. Baird stood behind them, checking a chart that hung on a metal clip at the end of Jenny’s bed.
Why don’t we speak in the family lounge? he suggested.
Tom nodded, wiped his tears. He leaned down and kissed the top of his daughter’s head, and this brought on a series of deep sobs. Charlotte brushed a stray hair from Jenny’s face, then stroked her cheek with the back of her hand. Sweet angel … sweet, sweet angel, she whispered.
They followed Baird and Detective Parsons down the hall to a set of locked doors. Through the doors was another hallway and then a small lounge with some furniture and a TV. Baird offered to arrange for coffee or food, but the Kramers declined. Baird closed the door. Parsons sat down next to the doctor and across from the Kramers.
This is Charlotte’s account of what happened next:
They beat around the bush, asking us about Jenny’s friends, did we know about the party, did she have any troubles with any boys, did she mention anyone bothering her at school or in town or on her social media? Tom was answering them like he was in some sort of fog, like he couldn’t see we were all just avoiding what needed to be discussed. I’m not saying that those weren’t legitimate questions or that we shouldn’t have answered them at some point. But I had had it, you know? I wanted someone to tell me something. I try really hard to let Tom “be the man” because I know I can be controlling. No one complains when the house is in perfect order and the fridge has everything they all need and their clothes are washed and ironed and put away where they belong. Anyway … I do try because I know it’s important in a marriage for the man to be the man. But I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t!