Addicted (The Addicted Series, #1)(75)
But as I was there on the couch with her, so close, I could hear the little devil inside me, the * who wanted to destroy Krystal just to get back at Johnathan Castelbon, giggle in glee. It froze me, and my desire and need turned into a horrified revulsion. It wasn't Krystal I was repulsed by, it was that I was disgusted by myself.
I saw in my mind all the women I'd just f*cked and tossed away, starting with my math tutor when I was in high school, all the way to Cindy/Candy/ah hell I never did get her name in LA. I saw all the dumb ass times I'd gotten drunk, started fights, and basically was a worthless piece of shit with a large bank account.
As those images flashed in my mind, I thought about what I'd seen of Krystal in just the short time I'd known her. I saw a woman who was not only beautiful, but intelligent, classy, and knew who she was and where she was going. She was going places, places someone like me could never take her, and to ruin that would be a crime greater than anything John Castelbon ever did to my mother.
I heard a soft shift in the sounds of Krystal tossing in bed, and the squeak of her bed frame took on a rhythmic cadence that I knew all too well. Inside I cursed myself as I listened, my cock hardening in my pants as I realized what she was doing. Krystal, the woman who was perfect in every way to me, was laying less than fifty feet away, in a dark room, touching her beautiful body. I clamped down on my lust with steely resolve, determined not to touch myself and spoil such a beautiful thing, but I couldn't stop my ears from listening as the pace increased, and then I heard something that tore deep into my soul, exploding something inside that I didn't know had ever existed. "J . . . iaaannnn."
It had been soft; probably so soft she hadn't even realized she'd made the sound as her orgasm distracted her. But one of the things I am blessed with is very good hearing, and I could hear. I could hear the wet, slick sounds of her fingers doing what I wanted to do oh so badly, and the hitch in her breath as she froze, unable to take any more before her breath came out in a long, almost silent shudder. Still I sat on my bed, refusing to touch my cock despite what my body wanted, until I heard the soft snores coming from her room that told me she was asleep.
That one word. It told me everything. If I gave in to my inner devil, I could destroy her. I could destroy her mother, Sandra, I could destroy her marriage to John Castelbon, I could destroy the man who was my father. Utter and complete victory could be mine. Vengeance could be mine.
But to do it, I'd be hurting an innocent woman, a beautiful work of art, the kind from the heavens that blessed humanity once a century. If hurting my mother made John Castelbon a criminal in my eyes, what would hurting Krystal Aksoy make me? If his crime would be like someone spray painting graffiti on a building, hurting Krystal would be like tearing the Mona Lisa to pieces and then pissing on the scraps.
But if I could resist my inner devil, then perhaps I could do more than just avoid hurting Krystal. There was a chance, maybe a fool's chance, but still a chance, for not just happiness, but perhaps redemption. If I could give myself fully to this woman, maybe when my end came and I had to stand before the seat of judgment, that one good thing could help cancel out the ticket to hell I'd bought with the past twenty years of my life.
Tears trickled down my face as I thought of what a selfish, worthless * I'd been, the people I'd hurt. I was my own prosecutor, judge, and jury as I convicted myself over and over for the next four hours, my hands shaking and my breath shuddering as I thought about how much I'd f*cked up my life.
Just as the sky was starting to turn gray with the beginning of dawn, a new thought came to me. Something Kimberly had said to me on the phone, when I'd called her to ask about Krystal's whereabouts. "Offer her something more than money," I whispered to myself, looking out the window and into the early morning sky. There were still a few stars out there, and I thought for a second. "But what can I offer?"
Chapter 10
Krystal
"So, you have the security code for the front door, right?" I asked, shouldering my bag. I was only going to be gone three days, and didn't pack heavy, just a gym bag. Inside I had my work uniform from Alinea, a casual change of clothes, and some sleep clothes and my toiletries. I didn't plan on needing much else. I figured if I really needed, I'd go shopping in New York. I hadn't been there in a long time, and might have enjoyed some shopping.
"I've got the code, I've got the key you made me, it's right here," Julian said, patting his right pocket. "Relax, Krystal. Your apartment is still going to be here in one piece, and I promise, I'll stay out of trouble."
I rolled my eyes and looked askance at him. "You really have been keeping yourself out of trouble recently. What gives?"
"I don't know," Julian said. "Maybe you're rubbing off on me, teaching me to be a better person."
His answer touched me, and I had to shake my head. Since our late night video where we almost ended up kissing, things had definitely been different between us. There was a sort of invisible tension, something that both of us wanted to say but neither of us were willing to do. Julian showed it in little things, like waking up earlier and helping out around the apartment more. I hadn't had to clean a dish or wipe down a toilet in a week, although I didn't know what his own bathroom looked like. "Julian, you know, I was wrong about you," I finally said, biting my lip. "I thought you were a bad guy, and I guess you have been for a time in your life, but it seems you've turned a corner."