Actual Stop (Agent O’Connor #1)(87)

She grinned. “But you’d have thought it.”

“Definitely.”

“Do I even want to know why?”

“Probably not. Have you ever interacted with him?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah. It was a real treat. I loved having a guy with a couple months on the job telling me how we needed to handle the demonstrators at a site when he isn’t even in PI.”

“He’s a peach.”

“It’ll be interesting to see how much longer he lasts before Rico kills him.”

“That’s right. Rico’s his backup now. Ha. I love it.”

“Yeah, well, Rico told him if he ever even spoke your name again, he’d get worse than a smack on the head with his badge. And then he had Ops assign Eric to midnight desk duty for a week.”

I couldn’t help smiling at Rico’s protectiveness.

Meaghan’s expression became serious as she went back to inspecting me. “So how are you doing? Really?”

“I’m okay. Speaking of people I want to smack with their own badge, I only did this in order to show up Bill Steelman because of his huge arrest last week.”

Meaghan cracked a weak smile and shook her head before raking one hand through her hair. “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.”

I shrugged, once again forgetting my injured shoulder, and tried to hide my reaction to the resulting pain. “Yeah, well, I couldn’t have him hogging all the attention.”

Meaghan’s brows pulled down, which made me wonder whether she’d caught onto my physical discomfort. “How much pain are you in?”

“Absolutely none.”

“Because of the drugs?”

“No. Okay, well, maybe. A little bit.”

“Fantastic.” She eyed me with a hint of exasperation as she crossed her arms over her chest. I couldn’t help it. I laughed at her.

“What were you expecting to hear?” I liked to tease her.

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. Not that.”

“You know me better than that.”

“Yeah,” she murmured quietly, almost sadly, as her eyes scoured me from head to toe. “I guess I do.”

“And yet you still felt as though you had to ask.”

“Come on, Ryan. Be serious for once in your life.” Meaghan appeared annoyed with my attempts at levity, and the harshness in her voice shocked me. She had a dull fire in her eyes, and she opened her mouth, but she must’ve changed her mind about what she wanted to say because she closed it again and rubbed her fingertips across her lips.

After a long moment during which she seemed to be gathering her composure, she tried again. “You were shot. Several times. You had to have emergency surgery. You could’ve died. Someone did—” She clapped her hands over her mouth with a loud slap. Her golden-brown eyes were wide with disbelief and horror.

My heart wrenched, and my gut twisted right along with it. Tears stung my eyes, and I blinked them back furiously. I clenched my jaw and took a deep breath, ignoring the sensation that someone had just sucked all the oxygen out of the room.

I didn’t need Meaghan—or anybody else—to remind me of the seriousness of the situation. I wasn’t an idiot, and I wasn’t capricious when it came to the subject of my life. But I was terrible when it came to dealing with any type of solemn emotion. I also didn’t like to dwell on my own mortality. I don’t think any of us did. And that, more than anything else, is what prompted me to crack jokes rather than simply answer her pointed question. It was what made me continue to treat the subject lightheartedly, even though I could see that it bothered her. Even though I knew it bothered me.

“I’m sorry,” Meaghan said.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t. I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t, but I really didn’t want to get into it.

“Your girlfriend just died. And I was being a jerk. It’s not my place to tell you how to react to things.”

My insides began playing a spirited game of Twister, and I sucked in a harsh breath. The intensity of my anguish startled me, and I had to fight not to cry. I couldn’t even bring myself to correct her about the label she’d used, as though I craved the additional agony the word caused.

I almost confessed everything to her then—Lucia and Jessie, the breakup, my night with Allison. But if I did that, she’d realize Lucia’s death was my fault. I was having enough trouble accepting that myself. I wasn’t even remotely prepared for the look I was sure she’d give me once she was made aware of the facts.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“So, uh, you ready to get out of here?” Meaghan looked miserable. She cast her gaze toward the floor and started twisting one of the rings on her fingers. Since the move was so uncharacteristic, my eyes were immediately drawn to the motion. I couldn’t recall her ever wearing a ring on that finger before. She usually—

“Oh, my God!”

Meaghan’s head shot up, her eyes borderline panicked. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Did you get engaged?”

Meaghan covered her left hand with her right, appearing uncomfortable. “Oh. Uh…Yeah.”

“Congratulations. That’s great! When did this happen?”