Actual Stop (Agent O’Connor #1)(25)
The inquiry itself wasn’t nearly as complicated as the emotions the answer evoked. I enjoyed being with her. She made me laugh. I never wanted to do anything to hurt her, no matter how remotely. My day somehow wasn’t complete until I’d heard her voice, and my daily goal was to make her smile. I’d miss her terribly if I ever lost her. I guessed some people would consider that love, right?
I thought about the conversation I’d had with Meaghan the other day and chewed on the inside of my lower lip. For the second time, I was reflecting on the difference between what I had with Lucia and what I’d once had with Allison. I didn’t like what the comparison forced me to admit. And while these weren’t exactly new thoughts, they somehow seemed more real, more urgent, with Allison sitting in front of me looking at me the way she was. Well, didn’t this just suck? Things with Lucia had been fine until yesterday, until Allison had stirred up a whole host of emotions I’d spent a considerable amount of time and effort burying. Why should one have anything at all to do with the other, anyway? It shouldn’t, as far as I could tell. Yet it did.
The thoughts now roiling inside me were scalding and poisonous, and I had to force myself to take a breath and look at this situation rationally. It’d do me no good to get mired in sentiment. Especially not now. Not when it looked as though I was going to analyze this thing I had with Lucia sooner rather than later.
Okay, so maybe my feelings for Lucia weren’t as strong as the love I’d felt for Allison, but that didn’t invalidate them completely, did it? Did I have to feel exactly the same for every woman I ever dated in order to call it love? That seemed unfair. I mean, I felt differently about mint chocolate-chip ice cream than swimming in the ocean, but my feelings for one shouldn’t carry more weight than my feelings for the other. They were completely different experiences, and Lucia and Allison were completely different people.
A soft sigh slipped from me before I could stop it, and Allison’s scrutiny stripped me completely. She was the only woman ever to have touched me that deeply, and the look in those dark eyes as she gazed at me now made me wonder whether she knew it. Whether it even mattered.
I decided not to answer her question. I still didn’t have a handle on exactly what I was feeling for Lucia, let alone tell Lucia whatever those feelings might be. I refused to be manipulated into making a declaration that—if and when it became necessary—should be for Lucia’s ears only.
Allison’s expression melted into something almost tender, and it was clear she’d taken my silence as confirmation. I didn’t want to argue, and I didn’t want to offer explanations. Instead, I stared at her, daring her to contradict what she thought she knew, daring her to speak aloud the comparisons I could barely stand to have echo in my head. The silence as we looked at one another stretched on for an eternity. The connection was familiar, intimate, and altogether inappropriate.
“She’s a very lucky woman, Ryan,” Allison whispered softly. “I hope she knows that.” For a fraction of a second, I’d have sworn her expression bordered on pain, but it fluctuated so swiftly I couldn’t be positive I’d seen it at all. But that was stupid. What would she have to feel bad about?
“Thank you.” That’s right. My feelings for her are tentative and underdeveloped compared to my love for you, but she’s getting the best I have to give.
Fortunately, the waitress chose that moment to bring our breakfasts, breaking the spell and giving us both the opportunity to pretend our conversation had never happened.
Chapter Nine
The rest of the day passed fairly well, considering our rocky start. We were unbelievably busy, which helped a lot. This trip was so last-minute, and we were swamped with a million tasks. That made it easy to ignore whatever had once been between us and allowed us to interact with one another with relative ease. Well, relative for me. Allison never had any problems interacting with anyone easily.
By the time we finally finished all our meetings, I was almost able to forget our earlier conversation in the diner. Almost. But things were comfortable between us for the time being, which was all that really mattered.
As we walked out of the field office, Allison bumped my shoulder lightly with her own. “Nice save.” She cast a sidelong glance in my direction, a small smile on her lips.
“What?” I readjusted the shoulder strap of my bag so it didn’t bang into my hip quite so much when I walked.
“That note you scribbled on my note pad about getting the loading dock cleared around the back of the building. I’d completely forgotten about that.”
I shook my head. “No, we talked about it earlier.”
“I know, but I’d forgotten to mention it in the meeting. What if we’d adjourned without bringing it up?”
I shrugged. “No big deal. We still have a few days. We’d have figured it out.”
“Ryan, it’s Saturday night. If we hadn’t told the sanitation department today that we wanted them to remove all those giant dumpsters from the arrival area, they wouldn’t have done it. If the motorcade rolled up on game day and couldn’t park because dumpsters were in the way, I would’ve gotten my ass handed to me.”
“Oh, come on. Stop exaggerating. We would’ve found somebody to take care of it. You can’t tell me no one has emergency home numbers for those guys. I would’ve tied a rope to them and pulled them away myself if I’d had to. Can’t have anyone touching your ass, now can we?”