A Tragic Kind of Wonderful(48)
“You might feel better if you sit up. Just like how facial expressions can affect your mood, so can posture and body mechanics.”
I don’t care if she’s right or not—there’s no way I’m moving when all I want to do is—
“You didn’t bring your charts?”
“No I didn’t even want to come today but Mom made me but I can tell you all about the whole Hanniganimal zoo if you want or I could draw it from memory but I really don’t feel like it since I don’t even want to sit up and I just—”
“… Mel? Mel? I need you to hear something.”
“I can hear you just fine Dr. Oswald since I’m—”
“The combination of menstrual hormones and alcohol can definitely push you off balance. The interruption of your medications would exacerbate this, but it’s only been a couple days and I don’t think that’s enough to explain how you’re obviously feeling.”
“I’m not super off balance right now—I think maybe I didn’t just have a hangover but I’m also coming down with a cold or something because I’m tired and kind of cranky which is really unusual—”
“Mel, you’re crying. Do you know you’re crying?”
I wipe my face and sniffle and say “I’m just really worn out and—”
“Mel, I think you’re under some emotional stress that’s adding to everything else. Has something happened? You look like a deer caught in headlights.”
I feel that way a lot of the time but I’m usually much better about not showing it—
“If something hurts, telling me won’t make it worse or make it more real. It’s already real. Telling me what you’re thinking can only make it better. And you can tell me anything here. I promise, nothing bad will ever happen because of what you say in this room. Only good things.”
I find that really hard to believe—
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
I don’t want to … but maybe I should … because I don’t understand …
And I need to now because my superpower is failing … I can’t stop the memories from playing in my mind again and again … when I could block it all out I didn’t need to understand but now I do because I can’t make it stop …
I don’t want to say the words … but now I have to …
Except I can’t … I’m crying too hard … and my hands are blocking my mouth … trying to keep myself together … because my face hurts so much it feels like it’s cracking apart and falling into pieces …
*
I can’t look at Dr. Oswald while I talk—it’s hard enough to let myself hear what I’m saying—but I can’t figure this out and how else can I explain it to Zumi if I don’t even understand it? I’m thankful the pills I took a half hour ago slowed my Hamster down to subsonic speeds so I can think and speak more clearly, but it’s not enough.
“So you became intimate with Annie?”
“We kissed a lot, and … touched each other.”
“Did it feel good? Did it feel normal?”
“I … I don’t know how to explain it. It’s all too complicated. Everything’s tangled up with everything else.”
“Did you tell anyone?”
“No!”
“Not even your doctor?”
“Argh! I didn’t have a doctor!” I cover my face with both hands.
“This happened before your diagnosis?”
“Yes, right before!” I take a few breaths. “We moved here the summer before freshman year and I was really depressed …”
“Right after your parents divorced, which was after your brother—”
“It’s got nothing to do with that! I was just in a new town and school. Then in the first week of high school I met Annie, Zumi, and Connor. This stuff I’m talking about now was a year later, when we were sophomores.”
“Okay.”
“I was starting to feel better and my family was glad I was getting my energy back. We all started having more fun with me up and running again. Zumi loved it and we became even better friends. Annie didn’t like it so much.”
“She was jealous of you and Zumi getting closer? But you said Annie didn’t love Zumi back.”
“It was all about Annie keeping Zumi on a leash or tied up in the front yard but never allowed in the house. But she didn’t want Zumi or any of us to leave her. I think Annie got worried that Zumi and Connor might start following me instead of her.”
“How did all this turn into you and Annie starting to—”
“That’s what I’m asking you! I didn’t even like Annie by then! But Zumi goes to her grandmother’s for Thanksgiving and suddenly Annie’s all over me, and I’m on her, and I turn into this whole different person—for a whole week! Then it’s like I woke up and became myself again, and I have no clue who had been at the controls. I ended it and we got in this huge fight over what an awful manipulative asshole she was. The next day I’m in the psych ward.”
“You were having your onset and this stressor made it bloom into a manic episode.”
“And it made me a lesbian for a week and then switched it back off again.”