A Thousand Letters(58)

The words caught in my throat, and I backed away, turning for the side room as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I brushed them away before I pushed open the door and stepped into the room, stopping just in the threshold as the door swung shut quietly behind me.

Sophie looked up, rushing into my arms, but my gaze was locked on Wade across the room.

He stood, tall, strong, his uniform crisp and neat, dark and somber. He looked bigger, larger than life, invading every corner of the room with his jaw sharp, lips flat, eyes that cut through me, leaving me shaken. Sadie's arms were wound around his waist, her face buried in his chest, which was covered in medals, but he looked at me for a long moment, our souls tethered.

Sophie pulled away, and the tether snapped. "You're here," she breathed.

"I'm here. I'm always here."

His eyes hadn't left me — I could feel them on me like a flood light, exposing me, illuminating my pain. Sadie broke away from Wade and moved to hug me. I closed my eyes and held her, and he watched me still. I couldn't meet his eyes again, couldn't feel the weight of them, didn't want it. Didn't want to know what he wanted, what he thought. Not right now. I was resigned to never know.

I pulled back and looked her over, smiling gently as I opened my clutch and found my handkerchiefs, touching up her makeup with one. I pressed it into her palm when I was finished and gave another to Sophie.

"We'll survive today," I said, cupping Sadie's cheek, trying to convince myself just as much as them. "Today, this will be hard, to share our grief with everyone. But we will survive, and we'll survive whatever comes next."

The funeral director ducked quietly into the room. "It's time."

I nodded and straightened Sadie a little more, adjusting her blazer, moving to Sophie to smooth her hair and press a kiss to her cheek, and then only Wade was left. His Adam's apple bobbed, betraying the hardness of his face, his eyes burning with things left unsaid.

I looked away and ushered the girls out.

They sat next to their aunt, and I kept walking, planning to sit with my family, but he grasped my hand, sending a shock up my arm and to my heart, pulling me to a stop. His eyes told me he needed me, told me he was sorry, begged me as he sat and tugged my hand, and still, against all that I wanted, I took the seat next to him, my heart hammering and soul aching. Because I loved him, and that love destroyed me.

The warmth of his body transferred to mine as a friend of the family stood in at the podium and sang "The Only Living Boy In New York," one of Rick's favorites. But I wasn't relieved to have Wade there next to me. I wasn't comforted. I was confused about everything and nothing, the injustice of it all stifling me through the stiff collar of my dress, which suddenly felt too small, too tight.

Rick was gone, and he'd never come back.

Wade was back, but he may as well have been gone.

He took liberties, doing what he liked, taking what he liked when he liked it, rejecting me over and over again in between, and I let him.

I was a slave to my hope.

But I couldn't hang on any longer. I watched as it slipped through my fingers, fading to a pinpoint of light.

The singer finished and sat, marking my turn. The poem was in my purse, then between my fingers, then resting on a podium stand as I stood before the people who loved Rick, their eyes on me for words of comfort. But the eyes I felt the most were Wade's, like a stone tied around my ankle, dragging me down, down into the dark.

I looked down at the poem, took a breath, and willed myself not to cry.



* * *



Life is a walk,

A very long walk

That begins with a crawl,

A toddle and tumble.

But we walk on,

Sometimes to trip or fall,

Sometimes to run and laugh

Throwing our faces up to the sky

And our voices to the wind.



* * *



Friends come and go

Through the very long walk,

Our paths meeting,

Sometimes parting,

Sometimes meeting again,

Sometimes not.

But we weather the days we have

Finding comfort and joy

In togetherness.



* * *



When we meet the one,

The one to walk with us,

The one to hold our hand,

The one whose arms we fill

When the nights are cold,

The one to comfort

When their tears fall,

Trail of diamonds

On a porcelain cheek.

This is when we feel

The value of our lives.



* * *



We walk through the spring,

Our eyes on the long blades of grass

Reaching for the sun

The smell of life and beginnings

Filling up our souls;



* * *



We walk through the summer,

Lazy in the heat

Warmed by that sun

Which coaxed the blossoms from buds

Opening their petals to offer themselves

Freely, gladly;



* * *



We walk through the fall,

And the green leaves breathe their last

In a riot of color as they languish

The tree yawns and stretches bare branches

To sleep, just for a while;