A Thousand Letters(19)

"Aw, come on. Cheese tortellini isn't so bad."

"It is when it's got sand in it. And everything in Afghanistan has sand in it."

I chuckled. "Well, at least we're in Germany now. Nothing but beer and brats as far as the eye can see."

"I'll take it." He paused for a moment. "How's he doing?"

A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed it. "He's okay. We're getting the house ready for him … he'll be home in the morning."

"And your sisters?"

"They're …" I sighed, feeling tired. "We're a mess, Ben. All of us. And the only thing we can do is take every day from breath to breath."

He sighed too. "You know, I've got plenty of leave saved up, and I'm sure I can get Sanders to approve me, if you want me to come. I think I can be there in a couple of days. All you have to do is say the word."

I slowed my pace and sat down, dropping my head into my free palm. "There's no point in you suffering through all of this too. I can't give you any of my energy if you're here. I'm already on reserve as it is."

"Psh, I'm easy — all I need are three hots and a cot."

It might have been nice, having him there as a buffer, but I couldn't accept the offer no matter how much it could help. He didn't need this in his life. "I'll be all right. But thanks, Ben. I appreciate it."

"Anytime," he said, sounding a little disappointed. "If you change your mind, just let me know."

"I will."

"So how is it, being back in the States?"

I looked around at my childhood home, feeling nostalgic and out of place. "It's weird. It's always weird."

"Feels like another life." He paused for a second, and I wondered warily what he was about to say. "So, have you seen her?"

Even without hearing her name, she invaded my mind. And Ben knew. He knew all about her, knew about us, knew she was friends with Sophie and all about her relationship with my dad. He knew everything about me — we'd been together since my first tour in Afghanistan.

He was my best friend. My only friend.

"She's here right now," I answered.

He drew a breath and let it out. "How bad is it?"

I ran a hand over my face and stood to pace again. "Bad. I can't deal with her on top of …"

"Yeah."

"But she's going to be around. A lot. And I have no idea what to do about it."

"How's it gone so far?"

"I don't know, man," I said, frustrated. "I'm not prepared for this, not for any of it, and she's the last thing on my mind right now," I lied.

"Liar."

I rolled my eyes. "What do you want me to say, Ben? I don't want to see her, but she's here and she'll be here, and I've just got to deal with it however I can."

He sighed. "Fair enough."

The doorbell chimed, and I stood. "Goddammit," I mumbled. "I've gotta go. Somebody's at the door."

"All right. Just hit me up and let me know how things are going."

"I will," I said as I charged through the hallway, hanging up and shoving my phone back into my pocket. I pulled the door open with a whoosh that sent the blond ponytail of the woman on my stoop swaying.

Lou, my cousin by marriage, stood on the front porch holding a casserole. She was tall and blond with high cheekbones and wide, blue eyes, and I'd never been so unhappy to see someone smiling than I was right then.

"Wade!"

"Hey, Lou. Come on in," I said gruffly, and she obliged without protest.

"I'm so sorry," she said as I closed the door. "For everything."

I cleared my throat, not sure what to say. Luckily, she didn't wait on me.

"Jeannie wanted me to bring this casserole by so you had dinner tonight. She would have brought it by herself, but she's at work and didn't want you to make plans." She offered the covered dish to me, and I took it.

"She could have just called," I grumbled under my breath as I set it on the hall table. Sophie and Sadie appeared at the top of the stairs with Elliot behind them. There were too many people, too many things happening, too much chaos, and I felt strangled by it all.

"Lou!" Sophie called, hurrying down the stairs to hug her.

She wrapped her arms around my sister. "Sophie. I'm so sorry."

Sophie's breath hitched. "Thank you." She pulled away and glanced at the casserole. "Oh, this is so thoughtful. God, I hadn't even thought about what we'd do for dinner."

Lou's brow dropped. "Have you eaten?"

We all shook our heads.

"Well, let me get it started for you, then."

"You don't have to do that, Lou," I said, hating that she felt obligated, wishing she would go. Wishing everyone would just go.

She smiled over at me. "Oh, I don't mind. I love taking care of people."

Lou hadn't seen Elliot standing behind the girls — this wasn't uncommon, most people didn't see her unless they were looking right at her. I was unfortunately not one of those people.

"Oh, hello. We haven't met," Lou said, and I caught a hint of confusion, tinged with wariness.