A SEAL's Courage (Military Match #1)(59)

Finally, she relented and sagged back into him. It was a movement of submission, and his chest tightened. She was trembling and for all the wrong reasons. “Why are you telling me all this?”

“Because I need you to know”—he tightened his hold on her and ducked his head, pressing his cheek to hers—“I’m in love with you.”

Lauren’s breathing hitched, and she pulled out of his embrace, stepping away from him. She kept her back to him and wrapped her arms around herself. She wasn’t giving him an inch, and who the hell could blame her? But neither had she asked him to leave. That was something. So he drew a breath and kept going.

“I have to be honest with you, though, doll. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve failed at this once already, and the thought of losing you still scares the shit out of me. My marriage went down in a spiral to hell, and I know damn well it takes two to make or break a marriage. I can’t blame it all on her.”

Lauren finally turned to face him. Tears streaked her cheeks, but her brows furrowed in irritation. “She cheated on you. That trumps whatever problems you might have had.”

“I’m not entirely convinced of that. Would she still have left had I been any kind of husband to her? Or were we doomed from the start? I don’t think I’ll ever know.” He dropped his gaze to the floor, the tan carpeting blurring as his gaze went unfocused. “I’ve got a lot of shit going on inside. Cooper and AJ died because of me, and I don’t know how to live with that. I was supposed to protect them. Every night I see them. Those images haunt me. There are days I wake up feeling like I’m still over there.”

He finally forced himself to look up at her. Focused on her big brown eyes and hoped, somehow, he was making sense.

“That’s what she had to live with. What you’d have to deal with. You want to know why I made up all those damn rules? That’s it. Because I was positive I’d only make you miserable. Most nights are endless for me. The dreams wake me from a dead sleep. Often, I pace the floors because I’m terrified to close my eyes for fear I’ll see it again. I’ve been home nineteen months now, and it hasn’t lessened by much. I’ve just learned to cope a little better.

“There are days when I’m so ornery I can’t stand myself. Because every little sound is a fucking grenade going off beside me, and I’m jumpy as hell. And there are times when being around people is the last thing I want, when all I want is my space, to sort it all out on my own.”

He reached out slowly, caressing his fingers along her cheek. She didn’t flinch or swat his hand away. That had to be a good thing, right?

“But I’m miserable without you. My world has gone dark again. I get up. I go through the motions. But it’s empty. I don’t want to go back to living like that. I want you. All of you. And I want you to have all of me.”

For a moment she stared, her lower lip wobbling, tears hovering in her eyes. When he was sure she’d ask him to leave, she finally took that step. Snaked her arms around his neck and buried her face in his throat. “I love you, Trent. Exactly the way you are. I don’t need you to be perfect. I just need you to be here.”

Trent released the breath he wasn’t aware of holding and crushed her to him. “Jesus.”

He was sure he held her so tightly she couldn’t breathe, but she didn’t complain, and he couldn’t let her go. If he did, he’d come apart at the seams. Instead, he buried his face in the fall of hair at her shoulder, let her scent wrap around him and soothe the gaping wound that had opened the morning he’d left her. The warmth of her body made the shaking finally stop.

He turned his head and kissed her neck. “I’m yours, doll. For as long as you’ll have me.”

She kissed his cheek and leaned back, big brown eyes searching his face. After a moment her gaze dropped to his chest. “You know, the last time we made love, in the kitchen, we didn’t…”

He pursed his mouth, his gut churning as that morning rose over him. He’d acted on impulse, something he never did. All he’d known was he was losing her.

“I know. I’m sorry for not being more careful.” He shook his head, at a loss as to how to explain. “I wasn’t thinking straight. You were ending it, denying me that last day, and I wanted a piece of you to take with me.”

She peeked up through her lashes, a soft pink flush rushing into her cheeks. “I’m not. Sorry for it, I mean.” One corner of her mouth quirked upward. “That was hot.”

He laughed and captured her mouth for a tender kiss, losing himself for a moment in the soft press of her lips against his, then forced himself to pull back. One look at the light and heat in her eyes and he knew. “Marry me.”

She froze, her smile melting from her face, gaze searching his. After a moment her brows drew together. “Are you sure?”

“I told you—I don’t want to lose you. Ever. What we had? I want that. Every damn day. I want to fall asleep wrapped around you, and I want to wake up next to you and make love to you before I even leave the bed. I want to make you breakfast and come home from work knowing you’ll be here waiting for me.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “That’s bliss.”

He’d come home a year and a half ago broken, and in his arms was the woman who’d put him back together. He wasn’t ever letting her go.