A Quiet Life(32)

There was nothing strange about any of these conversations. They were the conversations the comrades always had. But who would have thought that the massive disruption of the change of line would be so quickly laid aside? Laura felt too confused to join in the discussions and got up to go, and Elsa said something that Laura did not quite hear, about how Laura always had somewhere she had to be. To Laura’s surprise, Florence got up too and walked with Laura to the entrance of the pub.

They stood there for a second, and then Florence asked her if she was all right going back in the blackout. Laura thought it an odd thing to say, since the moon was large in the sky. But Florence left the pub with her anyway, and walked alongside her back to the station. They were rarely alone, and some of the magic, for Laura, had gone out of those snatched moments when they were together like this. She had spent too long, she thought, waiting for Florence’s sudden warmth to return, for her to look at Laura again, intently, energetically, as she had done on the ship.

But to her surprise it was Florence who seemed to want her company tonight, and she asked Laura if she wanted to go to the café near the station before she went home. They sat for a long while over their hot chocolate, and it seemed to Laura that they talked about everything except what had been said at the meeting. They talked about Laura’s new job, and about Florence’s desire to find a new job; they talked about when America might join the war and whether they should go down to Richmond on Sunday for a special fundraiser. If they were avoiding something, they did so with such energy that there were no spaces in their conversation, and it seemed that they were reaching for an intimacy which they had lost. At one point Laura even asked Florence about Elsa, and got her to talk about why it was that she was so in thrall to the older woman.

‘It’s always men who want to teach you,’ Florence said. ‘I don’t want to be always taught by men. It’s good when a girl feels she can speak too – not that the men in the Party like her speaking …’

Yes, Laura thought, she could see why Florence wanted to see her own potential strength reflected in that figure. She remembered the first time she had seen Elsa, carrying a banner at the march, and she had to admit that there had been power in that image. She couldn’t tell Florence how much she disliked Elsa, of course, so instead she said in a rather pathetic way that she didn’t think that Elsa liked her. Florence didn’t deny it. ‘It’s not personal,’ was all she would say at first, stirring her hot chocolate.

‘She thinks I’m not good enough.’

‘She doesn’t understand … you’re under pressure from your family. I know what that’s like, I’ve had that. But you are a grown-up, Laura, you don’t have to …’

For a moment it seemed that Florence was about to be honest with her, to express her own frustration with Laura’s half-hearted commitment, and Laura felt her heart speed up as though she wanted the confrontation. But then Florence said something unexpected. ‘She thinks – she thought – you were an informer. A government spy. Because you never commit, because you watch everyone …’ Laura couldn’t help a smile breaking on her lips, and Florence’s face closed down. There is only so far you can go in criticising someone you love, and perhaps it was that evening Laura realised that Florence did love Elsa. ‘It’s not ridiculous, Laura. They’ve had to expel informers before. You shouldn’t take that lightly. We are all under surveillance. We could all be being watched, any time.’

It was such a nonsensical thing to say, like a line out of the kind of movie that Florence didn’t even go to, that Laura said nothing, spooning up the rest of her drink. ‘It’s late,’ she said. They walked together to the station, and Florence seemed to want to smooth over the oddness of the evening, making Laura promise she would come to the next meeting. Laura wanted to put out her hands and touch Florence. There was the scent of smoke from the pub in her hair, the curve of her cheek white in the darkness; but she did not, could not, embrace her, and she went down into the Underground alone.





6


‘I get along without you very well,’ Cissie was singing to the gramophone, and holding up a new dress – or rather an old dress that a girl at work had given her – and dancing with it as if it were a person.

‘Where do you get your energy from, Cis?’ Winifred asked, lying on the sofa.

‘Come on, we’re going out tonight, aren’t we?’

‘We are, we are – and you’re coming too, Laura.’

Laura said something about being too tired, from her place slumped in a green armchair. But Cissie and Winifred were having none of it. It was Cissie’s birthday and Winifred felt it was incumbent on all of them to go out.

‘You work fewer hours than we do,’ Cissie reminded her.

Laura knew that was true, she didn’t work nearly as hard as the other two, and she didn’t have their social lives either, which took them out night after night with colleagues and boyfriends.

‘Alistair said to meet him at the Ace of Clubs, if we were coming late – they’re all going for dinner first, but frankly he’d only stand me a meal, not all three of us, so let’s just go to the club.’ Winifred and Cissie were feverishly energetic about having as much fun as they could on their budget, which was not limited in the way that Florence would have recognised as a limit, but which was still no match for some of Alistair’s friends, as Laura understood from Winifred’s constant gossip about their clothes, their dinners, their drinking, all unrestricted by the war.