A Missing Heart(3)

Needing a brief pause to catch my breath, I lean up against one of the lockers and take my cell from my back pocket. A text from Cammy is waiting for me.



Cammy: We need to talk. I’m in Parking Lot C.



I don’t want to waste time responding to her so I continue running down the halls and out one of the exit doors I shouldn’t be using during school hours. As I find her in front of her beat-up, cherry red BMW, she drops her school bag to her feet and slaps her hands over her eyes, crying so loudly I’m afraid someone might think I’m hurting her. Regardless, I throw my arms around her neck and let her cry her fears out.

“Tell me,” I whisper in her ear.

“I have to give the baby up. I submitted the paperwork last week and…” she says as she breathes heavily into my shoulder. “…and I didn’t think it would happen so quickly, but they found a family.”

“Wait. Stop! What the hell are you talking about?” I snap. I don’t need to question it, though, I’m smart enough to understand what she’s saying. I just feel lost, however, since the topic was never brought up. We had plans. Stupid plans, but plans. We did this and we were going to make it work. There was never another option—not one that was discussed between the two of us. We’re so stupidly in love that we have convinced ourselves we’re ready to be parents at seventeen. We’re not. But, the alternative is not an option—was never planned to be an option.

“I have to give the baby up for adoption, AJ.”

“No. No, you don’t, Cammy. Wha—we didn’t even talk about this. Why would you go and—” My head is spinning, and I want to understand but this isn’t fair. The baby is mine too. How could she just give our child away without consulting me first? Is that even allowed?

“AJ, I’m nine-months pregnant,” she says, cutting me off. “There is no more time.”

“You’re not due for another week. We have time. We should make this decision together,” I argue, while at the same time trying my hardest to calm down.

“We’re seventeen. We’re hardly old enough to care for ourselves, let alone a baby. Plus, I—I don’t have much say in this…I don’t have any say in this,” she sighs as droplets of tears slowly trickle from her light chestnut eyes. “I don’t want to do this to her either, you have to believe me.” She places her hand over her stomach in a loving way.

Her? “Wait,” I say, waving my hands in the air. “You just said her…you knew?” She told the doctor she wanted to wait until she gave birth to find out if the baby was a girl or a boy. At least, that’s what she told me. I don’t understand any of this. When was this bullshit adoption decision made? She knows I’ve been saving every dime from work, putting it aside so we can feed and clothe the baby. I cleared out an area of my bedroom so I could make a place for her to sleep. I bought toys, and I’ve been storing them under my bed. As much as I have not been ready to be a dad, I’ve done the best I could to prepare for being one. I may not know much about caring for a child, but I know how to love one.

“I didn’t want you to get attached—I didn’t want to get attached, but I broke down and asked if it was a girl or boy during the last ultrasound,” she says, looking down to her fidgeting fingers, twiddling the promise ring I gave her a few months ago. I made a promise that we would have the most incredible family and that I would give her and our baby everything.

“So you made your mind up about this weeks ago, huh?” I ask, running my hands through my hair in aggravation. Her mother needed to escort her to every goddamn doctor’s appointment so I couldn’t even be there for the ultrasounds. This is bull.

“I didn’t make this decision, AJ.”

“Who did then? Why didn’t you tell me, Cammy? Why?”

“You like to fix things, help people, and solve the world’s problems. You love everyone and everything, and everyone loves you. AJ Cole would never hand his child off to anyone. I know you well enough to realize that you wouldn’t agree with this and…since it’s out of my hands and I don’t agree with it, I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her words become stronger, and the tears clear from her face as if the sun were peeking through on a dreary day. Has she made her peace with this decision…the decision that was made without me? I’ve never seen this particular expression on her face before.

“The Cammy I know would never give her child up for anything in the world either…she’s our daughter. How is this out of your hands, Cammy?” I whisper angrily, pointing to her stomach. “She’s ours and no one else has the right to make this awful decision for you.”

“My parents—they left me no choice, okay?” she snaps. “We aren’t married. You have no rights. None, AJ.” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This doesn’t even sound like something Cammy would say. It sounds like something she’s been programed to say. She fights for what she believes in and what she wants, and this makes no sense.

“How could you not fight for her—for us? How are you going to be able to live with this after giving our baby away? I sure as hell won’t be able to.” I think I might be snarling at her. I try to tame my anger, but there’s no way to tame what I’m feeling right now. “I don’t want to give her up. I’m not going to consent to this. I’m going to be at the hospital, and they’re going to want her father to sign papers too, Cammy. I know you think I have no rights here, but I do. That little girl is half mine, whether your parents like it or not.” In any other circumstance and on any other subject, the way I’m speaking to her, the way she’s speaking to me, this would be grounds for breaking up. This would be grounds for a nasty high-school breakup. But I love her. I’ve loved her for almost two years and we’ve been forced to grow up faster than I thought possible in the past few months.