A Million Miles Away(13)

“And now, please welcome to the court… the Rock Chalk Dancers!”

Kelsey turned her head, her blood heating up as the volume increased, the student section whooping and catcalling. The dancers’ steps were as matched as their deep blue sequined sports bras. Each girl, regardless of color or height, had loose, shoulder-length curls, intimidating abs, and bright red lipstick.

The routine mirrored the volume of the blaring bass behind it, a lot of bends, body rolls, and beckoning hands. It was also flawless. Like a machine.

Davis watched the dancers, his mouth slightly open. Even Anna couldn’t take her eyes off them.

They were hot, sure. But they were even hotter because they loved what they were doing. Kelsey knew exactly how they felt.

The dance ended, the girls standing with their hands on their hips, legs spread apart in a power stance. Through the waves of cheering, Davis put his lips next to Kelsey’s ear, his breath tickling her neck.

“I can’t wait until my girlfriend does that.”

Kelsey felt an electric jolt of pride, watching their perfect walk back to the locker room.

With two minutes left in the game, KU had put in their bench. The fresh-faced boys added layups and three-pointers to their thirty-point lead. The crowd chanted, “Freshmen! Freshmen! Freshmen!”

Then, in the final seconds, the crowd began their haunting, serene battle cry. Kelsey, Davis, Anna, and George filed out. The Rock Chalk Chant sounded more like a Gregorian choir than a fight song.

Michelle had told Kelsey it made everyone sound like they were in a cult.

“Yeah, but it’s a fun cult!” Kelsey had said, and they had cracked up.

Kelsey pushed the memory away. The night had gotten colder. Davis huddled next to her as they walked back down the hill to the car.

Anna called up to Kelsey, using George for balance. “Have you gotten your application in yet, Kelsey?”

“Not yet,” Kelsey said. “I still have to write my personal essay.”

KU applications were due at the end of January. She was putting it off as long as possible. She wished there was Google Translate for personal essays. Like, here are my experiences, please translate them into what I’ve learned.

“I know your parents are busy, so if you’d like, I can take a look at it.”

Kelsey’s parents never looked at her essays for school. Her mom was too harsh, and her dad was too easy. That was Michelle’s job. Write how you would speak, she had always said. And it usually worked, too.

Kelsey managed a grateful smile. “Thank you. I would like that.”

“Do you know what you want to study?”

Kelsey was suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. Her heart had started beating hard without warning. Walking through campus, the very true part of next year was descending upon her. This place was her future, and she had always thought it would be so happy and easy and exactly like she imagined it. But it would not be. Not only because Michelle was gone—she would have been gone anyway, across the country—but also because Kelsey was different. She wasn’t herself. No matter how much she tried, she wasn’t sure she would ever be herself again. The next phase in her life seemed impossible. It was impossible.

She stopped, almost causing Davis’s father to run into her from behind.

“You okay?” Davis asked.

She nodded, and kept walking forward. Sometimes she knew she was secretly pretending Michelle was just on vacation. Or busy. Or asleep.

Another deep breath, looking into Anna’s kind eyes. “I’m not sure what I want to study. I’m not sure about anything, yet.”

“Of course,” Anna said quickly, touching her arm.

They continued in a moment of silence. Breaking the quiet, Davis clapped his hands. “Well, I’m tired of this talk. It might be time for Kelsey and me to retire.”

“Retire, sure,” Anna said. “I think you mispronounced ‘victory party.’”

“Don’t ‘retire’ too hard,” George said, elbowing his son.

When they were down the block, Davis wrapped his arms around her, kissing her on top of the head. “Parents suck,” he whispered.

“Everything sucks,” Kelsey replied.

“Don’t say that,” Davis said, and took her hand, leading her forward.

Please just let me say that, Kelsey thought. Just let me say that.

The jolt she had received from the game was gone, and now everything was lead again. Time didn’t make any sense. She was supposed to be moving ahead, but half of her always circled back to that dark spot, two months ago. Kelsey didn’t want any more time to pass.

She let go of Davis’s hand and sat on the curb.

She wanted to go back to before. She wanted to go back.





CHAPTER EIGHT


Kelsey returned home from Davis’s room in the early morning, still dark, her thoughts slow and cold. She shed her wedges and coat inside the door and made her way sleepily upstairs, not bothering to mute her footfalls. If her parents weren’t completely knocked out, they were some version of half-asleep, at least.

She went straight for the sink in the bathroom, splashing hot water on her face and hands, and with a dollop of remover, she cleared her face of foundation, her eyes of liner and mascara, her lips of gloss.

On her way to her bedroom, she paused in the hall, listening. A cheerful, beeping sound was emanating through a crack in Michelle’s door. Kelsey peeked in.