A Devil Named DeVere (The Devil DeVere)(69)

"You saw my weakness and took advantage of it!"

"How?" he asked "How did I take advantage of you? You sought me out, remember? You came to my bed, and I gave you what you asked for...and much more. How is that exploitation?"

"As soon as you got what you wanted, you broke it off and disappeared! You were gone for four years, Ludovic! No word. Nothing!"

"And you believe it was by my choice?" His voice sounded rough and edged with bitterness. "Have the past years not brought you any clarity?"

"You made it clear enough at the time. 'Amorous idylls are best ended before the bloom is off the rose.'" She laughed, an equally harsh sound.

He winced. "Did I say that?"

"Yes! And then you paid me off like some high-priced whore."

"It was an exceedingly generous settlement, intended to provide for your security."

"Am I supposed to feel gratitude?"

"Frankly, yes!"

"But a lease to a house is so very mundane, Ludovic. What do you intend to offer me this time? Diamonds and rubies?"

"Don't, Diana! You are different from the rest."

"How am I to think myself any different from your countless mistresses, concubines, and whores, when you took what you wanted and offered payment in return?"

"Damn you! It wasn't like that. You know that's not how I thought of you. How I feel about you!"

"Feel?" she cried out. "What could a man like you possibly feel beyond your—"

"My what?" He brought her hand to his groin. "Say it, Diana. I love hearing vulgar words from your lovely lips."

"I refuse to gratify that." She snatched her hand away as if burned.

He laughed. "Then I'll say it for you—my cock. The part of me that oftimes governs my life. Yes, I feel a great deal there and with great frequency, but each encounter is soon forgotten. You were the exception to that. You were never just a f*ck to me. Can't you understand that? For the first time, I wanted more. I wanted something else from you, Diana, but that something was denied me. And when I knew I couldn't have it, when it appeared utterly impossible, I was enraged."

"So you left."

"Yes, I left. I had several good reasons for doing so...not the least of which was to protect a certain widow's good name."

"What misery it must have been for you to be obliged to gallivant about continental brothels and gaming rooms for four years. So self-sacrificing," she jeered.

"I won't apologize to you or to anyone else for my way of life, madam. Wine, women, gaming, and horses are a lifelong habit but one with which I have become utterly bored of late. The drinking, the gaming, the whoring, it became the same day after day, just in other locales. 'Tis why I eventually went to the East to try to discover something more, something worthwhile. Ironically, the only diversion or peace I have found was among those so-called heathen Turks."

"Then why did you bother to return?"

"I almost did not, but you might say I wore out my welcome. My money only bought me limited time as they never truly accept infidels. I seriously contemplated conversion just to remain there, but I lacked the spiritual fortitude and could not in good conscience pretend to live under their religious yoke. I am many things, Diana, but not a hypocrite."

"You expect me to swallow that tripe when you have re-embraced all the depravity you just professed to have shunned?"

"Don't mock me," he said. "I bear physical evidence of my sincere attempt of redemption, but I accept that I failed. Thus, what is left for me now but to indulge my senses?"

"Your journey of self-discovery is a truly moving tale, my lord, but I fail to see what any of it has to do with me."

"Do you not?" he asked. "For I see it at last. It's rare that I have known honesty, Diana. I realized this three weeks ago, the very moment you marched into my private chambers in all your glorious, self-righteous fury."

"But you knew I would come, didn't you? It was all a ploy, just an amusing game to you. That's all I have ever been, isn't it? Merely a challenge to entertain a bored rake?"

"That may have been true in the very beginning, but I told you, you are different to me. Your fire, your passion, it represents truth. You feel deeply, Diana, and do not conceal it. When we were together, I was more alive because of you. I wanted more of that...but then certain circumstances made it impossible."

"Certain circumstances or certain people?" she asked.

"Ah, so clarity does come at last! Yes, Diana, Caroline would have destroyed you. I would not be responsible for that."

"So you hied off to God-knows-where in order to protect me?"

"Yes. Leaving my home and my brother was not my preference, but I could not have protected you otherwise."

"Yet you hardly pined for your loss of me, and you stayed away far longer than was necessary."

"I don't deny I have enjoyed the company and the favors of other women, but the majority of them—as most of the people in my life, Hew and Ned excluded—have been largely parasitic. It's mutual, of course, for I have taken what I desired in return."

"A confession that brings us full circle, my lord."

"No, Diana. There you are wrong. I never took anything from you that was not freely offered, and for the record, I reciprocated more than I have with any other. I ask nothing from you now beyond the same honesty you once gave me. I am weary of being surrounded by nothing but greed and vice."