The Shadow House(88)

He stopped and blushed like a kid who’d just been caught shoplifting. ‘I don’t date much, either. After so many years of being careful, I’m not great at putting myself out there. So, yeah. I’m sorry if that’s made things weird. And I’d understand if you don’t want to take things any further.’

I stared at him. It was like putting on a pair of glasses after a lifetime of blurry vision. All the discomfort, the effort, the pretence I’d picked up on, it all fell away and for the first time I could see him clearly.

‘Here’s my thing,’ I said, taking a step towards him, closing the gap. ‘I’ve run away from people my whole life. It’s basically my go-to solution to every problem. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve been hurt a lot; it’s just easier to keep moving. But some day I’d like to stop. Get quiet. Be still.’ I reached out and brushed his hand with my fingers. ‘I think maybe I could do that with you.’

A lopsided smile crept across Kit’s face. ‘You want to be … still … with me?’

My heart was a moth stuck in a jar. ‘Well, not all the time, obviously. Sometimes I’d like to be very unstill with you; really quite active, in fact. But yeah, on the whole, you make me feel like stillness might be an option for me.’

There was a beat: a moment so loaded I was scared it might crush me.

Kit smiled. He took my hand. We moved towards each other …

‘Mum!’ Ollie yelled from inside the unit. ‘Have you seen my green hoodie?’

We both froze. Kit laughed, and the moment fizzled.

‘Well, that was predictable,’ I said, grinning sheepishly. ‘My kids are professional mood wreckers. You’ll get used to it.’

‘I can’t wait.’ Kit gave my hand a squeeze. ‘Guess I’d better go. But I’ll see you at lunch?’

‘You will.’

‘And maybe a few more times after that?’

‘If you’re lucky.’

He let go of my hand and set off down the steps, his fingers leaving traces on my skin like vapour trails in the sky.


Back in the living room, Jenny was sitting on the floor with Kara, helping her stack some coloured blocks in a pile. She smiled knowingly at me as I came in. ‘How’s Kit?’

‘Fine.’ I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over my face.

‘I bet he is.’

I turned away to hide my blush. ‘Did you find your jumper, Ollie?’ I called. ‘It’s in the hamper, but please don’t wear it to lunch, it hasn’t been washed since the night of the …’ Farmhouse, I was going to say, but I stopped myself just in time. ‘Solstice party.’

‘Got it,’ Ollie said, coming out of the laundry with the hoodie balled up in his hands. ‘Looks fine to me.’ Bringing it over to show me, he shook it out and a crumpled piece of paper dropped out of the pocket.

It landed on the rug near Jenny’s knee. She reached out to pick it up for him, glancing down as she did – and then she stopped. ‘What is this?’ she murmured.

‘Oh, yuck, sorry, Jenny,’ I said, assuming it was an old tissue. ‘Here, give it to me, I’ll throw it away.’

But Jenny didn’t move. She unfolded the paper and spread it out. ‘This … this is Gabriel’s.’ Her face had gone an alarming shade of white.

‘What?’ I went to stand next to her, but she was holding the paper at such an angle that I couldn’t see what was on it. ‘What do you mean? What is it?’

‘It’s a drawing,’ she said, quietly. ‘One of Gabe’s.’ She looked up at Ollie, her mouth slack. ‘Where did you get it?’

Ollie shrugged. ‘Your old place. I picked it up while I was, uh …’ He cleared his throat and his cheeks flushed pink. ‘While I was in that room. When I was trying to get out.’

There was an uncomfortable silence while the elephant in the room lumbered slowly around us.

‘I moved the desk so I could get up to the window,’ he added, ‘and I found it on the floor. I guess it must’ve fallen behind.’

Jenny pressed her fingers to her lips, her eyes still locked on the drawing. Her chin trembled.

‘Did I do something wrong?’ Ollie said. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t even remember putting it in my pocket. I was just looking at it. There wasn’t much to do in there … I guess I just thought it was good.’

‘It is,’ Jenny whispered, a tear sliding down her nose. ‘Oh, it’s very good. He was such a talented artist.’

‘Can I see?’ I bent down to take a closer look.

Jenny turned the piece of paper over to show me. It was a charcoal drawing of a goose. It had a long neck and a black head with a little white stripe like a chinstrap. Its enormous wings were outstretched, each feather rendered in careful detail, and its legs were tucked up beneath its body. I stared at it, my scalp tingling.

‘He loved to draw animals,’ Jenny explained. ‘Birds were his favourite. Birds in flight.’

The tingle became a full body shiver, and my breath caught in my throat.

‘What is it?’ said Jenny, turning sharply to me.

Birds in flight. Owls and geese.

‘Mum?’ said Ollie. ‘Are you okay?’