The Impostor Queen (The Impostor Queen, #1)(82)

“But you didn’t.” I wish I could stop shaking.

His eyes meet mine. “Because you were proud of them. I saw you looking at them with something like wonder on your face. I watched you run your own fingers over them, wincing and then grinning. And when I understood why, when I found out who you were and thought about what your life must have been like before, I was even more amazed.”

Why does he have to say this now, when everything is falling apart? I don’t think I can stay with him. War is coming, the Kupari city is in chaos, and a few miles from here lies a group of magic wielders who know what I can do. They’ll come after me. It won’t take long.

As long as I’m alive, I can be used. A tool for killing and destruction.

I force my voice into lightness. “Had you been wondering why a maidservant from the city was so useless and coddled? Or did you think that was why they whipped me?”

He lets out a bemused laugh. “I suppose I brushed it off. We live differently out here. Or maybe I was too taken with you to question your magic.”

“Magic,” I scoff.

He smiles, one of those rare smiles that makes his eyes crinkle. “When I first found you, I wasn’t affected by it, but every day, its hold on me grew stronger. And nowadays, your laugh makes me feel like I’m falling. When you look at me, I’m suddenly warm. The sight of you makes my heart speed. Do you really think the only magic in this world comes from fire and ice?”

He turns my hand over and kisses the shiny pink scars where my two fingers used to be, and that’s all it takes to make my tears streak down my cheeks.

“Now tell me it wasn’t selfish of you to leave,” he says.

“I didn’t want to be a duty or an obligation,” I mumble.

“You’re neither.” He takes my face in his hands, cool palms against my hot cheeks. “Nor are you a convenience, a tool, a weapon, or, stars save me, a queen, though you have all the grace of one. Not to me. You’re just Elli.” He leans down and touches my forehead with his. “And you have to understand that is more than enough.”

If he tries to protect me, he could be hurt. If I stay to protect him, I could be used against him by another wielder. Are the two of us together strong enough to hold off our enemies?

My head aches with these thoughts, when all I want to do is lose myself in Oskar. He swipes a stray tear away with his thumb. “Do you understand now?”

I close my eyes and nod, my hands rising to hold his against my cheeks.

He kisses my forehead. “Then tell me you feel the same, or I’m going to be pretty embarrassed.”

The laughter bursts from me, sudden and real, and I open my eyes to see his devastating smile. I rise on my tiptoes, reaching for him. I want to absorb more than his ice magic. I want to freeze this moment in all its perfection, so I have it when I need it most. “You were wrong when you said you had no heat,” I say with a husky laugh.

“I always feel warm when you touch me.” He catches my hand and presses it to the side of his neck. “There’s only one thing about it that feels bad.” When he sees the question in my eyes, he continues. “I don’t think there’s any way it could possibly feel as good to you.”

The look in his eyes melts everything inside me. “Wrong again,” I whisper.

Our uneven breaths burst from us as we collide. His dark, scraggly stubble scrapes my face as I fist my hand in the front of his cloak and pull him down, aching for more. I kiss him with everything inside me, all my gratitude, all my desire for him—my gentle, fierce Oskar. These frantic moments distract from the ache of Mim, but even more than that, they’re light as air and hot as a spark in my palm. His cool skin renders mine taut and tingling. Even with his icy magic pouring into the hollow of my chest and filling my head with visions of the ice-covered Motherlake, I feel like I might catch fire at any second.

Wait. Icy magic. Pouring into me. No.

I push him away. Mim’s love for me led to her doom, and now I’m placing Oskar at risk, too.

He draws his thumb along his bottom lip. “Is it Mim?” he asks quietly. “I know your grief is fresh.”

“Yes. No. Actually, it’s you,” I stammer as his face twists with confusion. “You’re giving me too much of your magic. It’s not safe. You need it.” When we first met, he could touch me without the ice flowing into me, but now . . .

He gives me a sheepish look. “When you’re that close to me, I want to give you everything. I don’t want to hold back.”

I put my hand on my chest. “I feel it.” And I recognize it for the gift it is. But I can’t accept it.

Oskar sighs and turns his face to the east, where the sun is beginning to peek over the horizon. “We’d better get to the caverns. Everyone should be packed by now.”

“Where are we going?”

“Someplace safe. Maybe the northwestern edge of the Loputon. There’s a smaller cave system there that could shelter us until spring.”

I bite my lip. This doesn’t feel right. I don’t have any intention of letting Sig use me to destroy the temple, but running away while the Kupari are suffering doesn’t feel right either. Not with the threat of the Soturi looming, not with the chaos destroying the city.

Oskar sees my hesitation and frowns. “Where do you want to go, then?”