Queen (The Blackcoat Rebellion #3)(20)
“It isn’t your job to protect me.”
“But you’ll let Knox try.”
The ground felt as if it had dropped out from under me, and I opened and shut my mouth in shock. “Is that it, then? Is that what all of this is about? You’re mad I stayed with Knox last night?”
“Well, I’m not exactly happy about it,” he said, with more sarcasm than I’d thought he had in him. “You’re hurt. I wanted to be there for you—to give you a relaxing night where you could rest. Instead, you spent it with him. And sometimes—” He stopped.
“Sometimes what?” I pressed, an edge in my voice. “Whatever it is, let it out, Benjy. Because there might not be a then, remember?”
The moment I said it, guilt washed over me. He’d done nothing to deserve this fight, and I was being a complete jerk about something I knew was quickly becoming a problem for us. Rivers pointing out Knox’s supposed feelings had been bad enough; Benjy bringing it up made me want to claw the walls with frustration and anger. And if he really thought I would ever do anything with Knox when he was waiting for me just a room or two away, then he didn’t know me at all.
Or maybe he knew me better than I knew myself. At this point, it wouldn’t exactly have been difficult.
I pushed the traitorous thought aside. I knew myself well enough to know I wasn’t torn between them. I’d chosen Benjy long ago, and I would continue to choose him for as long as he let me.
“Sometimes I feel like a third wheel in my own relationship,” he said at last. “Sometimes I feel like we’re both holding on to each other because we’re familiar, and because we’re used to it, and because it’s something we had from before all of this that makes us both happy.”
He was saying everything I’d worried about since that stupid conversation with Rivers, and my stomach twisted into knots. “That’s not a bad thing. Something familiar—something that feels like home—”
“It is when it’s holding you back.” He leaned toward me, his stare unwavering, and even though all I wanted was to duck into the bathroom and drown out the rest of the world, I couldn’t look away. He pinned me there with his eyes alone, looking at me in a way he hadn’t in months. As if he could see beneath the layers of my body to parts of me I didn’t even know existed. “Sometimes I feel like I lost you a long time ago, and no matter how hard we try, we’re never going to find each other again.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” My voice cracked, and to my horror, my face began to burn. “I’m right here. I’ve been right here. I’m sorry things are hard right now. I’m sorry I spent the night with Knox instead of you. But I am right here, Benjy, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yes, you are,” he said sadly, and he brushed a stray lock of hair from my eyes. “You’re going to D.C., where you’re going to break into Somerset with the most important person in your life, once again leaving me behind.”
I swallowed hard. “You’re the most important person in my life.”
“Not right now, I’m not. And I’m not sure I have been since you were Masked.”
I shook my head, hot tears burning in my eyes. “That’s not fair.”
“None of this is fair, Kitty. It is what it is. It doesn’t mean I love you any less, and it doesn’t mean you’re not still my best friend. But it does mean things aren’t great right now, and I’m not sure we can get back there again. Not when we’re both thinking about a time and a place that doesn’t exist anymore.”
“It exists for me,” I mumbled. “A place where we can go when this is all over—just you and me. No ranks, no Blackcoats, no Harts to worry about. Just us.”
“What if this is never over? What happens to us then?”
“It will be,” I said firmly, my frustration turning to anger. “If you want to give up on it, fine—but I’m not.”
He gave me a watery smile. “I wish you were right.” Stepping aside, he opened the bathroom door for me and said gently, “This is the last time, Kitty. After this, either you stop risking your life, or I stop depending on your heart to fuel mine.”
I didn’t trust myself to speak. Instead I slipped into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, leaning against the painted wood as I struggled to breathe without breaking down into sobs. I couldn’t do this now. I wouldn’t do this now. He was wrong—there would be a then. And when I got back, we would figure this out. Because even though he was right—even though right now, Knox and the Blackcoats and the hundreds of millions of people depending on us were the most important people in my life—I refused to live without Benjy.
He wasn’t there to see me off. I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised; that was the worst fight we’d had in recent memory, and both of us needed the chance to breathe away from each other and gain the perspective everyone seemed so crazy about lately. But it still hurt enough that, when Knox greeted me in front of the military plane waiting for us near the edge of Sector X, I didn’t feel the least bit guilty about flashing him a small smile. And why should I have felt guilty for being kind to him, anyway? We were friends.
Theoretically. When he wasn’t being a jerk.
We boarded last, behind the six volunteers who were risking their lives to give us the chance to sneak into Somerset and steal the file on Victor Mercer. As I passed them in their uniforms and winter military gear, part of me was terrified Benjy would be among them. But Knox wouldn’t do that to me. Benjy wouldn’t do that to me. Or the mission.