Chimera (The Korsak Brothers #1)(78)

I knew it, too. I hadn’t blamed her then, and I still didn’t. She didn’t leave me; I gave her up. I threw her away. I couldn’t make room for her in my life. There was Lukas and only Lukas. All Natalie ever had from me was the leftovers, the table scraps. Lukas came first, last, and always. Finding him was the only thing that had mattered. I’d made that choice before I had ever met Nat. When she was gone, I tried to tell myself that my only mistake had been to lead her on, to give her hope for a relationship I wasn’t equipped for. Yeah, that’s what I told myself.

I was wrong.

Lukas . . . Michael wouldn’t have begrudged me love while I searched. Generous of spirit and with a basic goodness he wasn’t yet aware of, he would’ve been happy for me. The denial wasn’t his; it was mine.

Jericho had stolen more than my brother on that beach. He’d stolen me too. He had hollowed me out, scooped out the important parts, and left a shell of brittle ice masquerading as a human being. When his man had left me for dead on the sand, he hadn’t been far off the mark. Not far at all.

I missed Nat. I missed her every time I saw a scraggly daisy blooming in the weeds, every time I saw a red kite flying high enough to block out the sun. I missed her when I bought boring white sheets and when I bypassed the dog food aisle in the grocery or when I bought thin, overly sweet fast-food milkshakes. I missed her and hoped she was someone else’s daisy girl.

I missed her and knew I’d never see her again.

So when Michael had asked me about love and relationships, things that were much harder than sex to explain, Natalie was the only place I had to go. It was a painful place, but it was a worthwhile one too. She deserved to be talked about, my girl, and Michael deserved to know there was glory in this life if you weren’t too damaged or too afraid to accept it. I talked long enough that my throat was sore. I didn’t want him to make my mistakes. It was a mistake no one should have to live with.

Michael had seemed to sense how painful a topic it was and thanked me before curling up in the backseat to leave me with my memories and my regrets. The sweet and the bittersweet; that was what life was all about. He slept for nearly six hours. I’d slept for maybe three, but for once my dreams were . . . nice—melancholy, but good.

“I thought your uncle Lev would be happy to see you. I thought you said he would welcome you with open arms and a heated house.” Jarring me from thoughts of kites, daisies, and freckles, a disheveled blond head popped up from the backseat and a sleepily disgruntled face peered at me from a cocoon of blankets. “It’s cold, in case you haven’t noticed, and I have to use the bathroom. This isn’t any better than that tree incident. In fact it’s worse.”

To his confusion, I handed him an empty plastic soft drink bottle I grabbed from the floorboards. “No, kiddo, now it’s worse.”

As comprehension flooded his features, I yawned and turned back around to watch the snow slowly pile on the hood of the car. I ducked automatically as the bottle returned, whizzing by my ear. I’d noticed Michael, like me, wasn’t much of a morning person.

“Absolutely not,” he said evenly. “No way.”

I shrugged and yawned again, rubbing at my eyes. “It’s your bladder. Besides, if you save up, I’ll teach you to write your name in the snow.”

With a glare as chilly as the air inside the car, he leaned over the seat and retrieved the bottle. I kept my back to him to give him some privacy. “And, smart-ass, Uncle Lev will be glad to see me. I just didn’t want to show up in the middle of the night. He’ll know something’s up. If he thinks I’m in trouble, he’ll be all over us, asking questions, and trying to get us to stay. We can’t afford that.”

“Why not?”

I hadn’t gotten very specific with Michael on how exactly I’d left my earlier employment. It had been difficult enough to tell him what little I had about my life in the Mafiya. “I told you how I quit the mob to come after you,” I started slowly, jangling the keychain that hung from the ignition.

“I remember.”

Of course he remembered. What had it been? Four, five days ago? “Well, it’s not the type of job where you give two weeks notice and they throw you a going-away party. Konstantin, the man I worked for, wasn’t exactly boss-of-the-year material. He could’ve made things difficult for me if he’d wanted.” From day to day it was hard to guess his mood. From distantly amused to coldly murderous, Konstantin was rarely predictable in the depths of his violence. He wouldn’t have hurt me, not once he heard my reasoning. He still respected Anatoly too much for that, but he could’ve slowed me down while I laid it all out. That I couldn’t afford. “So, I simply took off. Disappeared. I could always explain myself later if I needed his help. I show up with my missing brother, Anatoly’s lost son, and all’s forgiven.” Leaning my head back on the seat, I massaged the back of my neck. “But on the day I left, someone killed Konstantin. Shot him. For his ex-bodyguard, yours truly, that doesn’t look too good.”

“Won’t your uncle Lev believe you’re innocent?”

“Do you?” I asked lightly and far more casually than I felt.

There was a moment of thought, the sounds of shifting blankets, and then, “I do. You don’t seem to like hurting people. You’re good at it, but you don’t like it.” His voice dropped to a barely audible murmur. “Not like Jericho.” A hand came over the seat before I could comment to thrust a capped and newly warm bottle into my hand. “Here. There’s no room back here.”