Black Sun (Between Earth and Sky, #1)(89)

He supposed it made sense. With Tova so near and his time coming to an end, of course he would have fears, have wants. But he had not expected them to center around this woman. He tried to remember some of the exercises his first tutor had taught him, the ones that helped him discipline his mind, but his concentration fell away as Xiala crawled into the bed beside him, warm and clean and soft.

“Move over,” she grumbled, pushing gently at his shoulder.

He slid over obligingly.

“This bed is only meant for one person,” she muttered as she settled in. “And certainly not an Obregi giant.”

“We could lie on the floor if you prefer,” he offered.

“Seven hells, Serapio,” she said. “I’ve been sleeping on floors for weeks now. A bed is what I want, even one too small for two.” As if to make a point of just how cramped it was, she hoisted her leg over his and rested her head against his chest.

His heart rate soared, and heat gathered where her skin touched his. For a moment he wished he didn’t have to tell her what came next, that perhaps they could stay like this and pretend that Tova was very far away indeed.

“You know,” she said, sounding sleepy, “maybe it’s best you don’t fuck.”

He almost swallowed his tongue.

“I mean,” she continued, “I fuck. A lot. The Teek aren’t uptight about such things, and it’s something I enjoy. But it’s been kind of nice having a friend, too.”

“I wouldn’t say that I don’t—”

“But don’t you ever want to turn it off?” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

He frowned. “Turn what off?”

“The old brain. I mean, if you don’t fuck—”

“Please stop saying that.”

“—and you don’t drink, and I’ve never seen you relax. And that noise you make barely counts as a laugh. You’re so serious. Doesn’t it get old? How old are you, anyway?”

“Twenty-two.”

“Hells,” she muttered. “I’m five years older than you?” She sighed gustily and snuggled in closer.

They were silent for a while, and he thought about not telling her his story at all, but this might be their last opportunity to be alone. Once they were moving upriver and their cabinmates had returned, he would not have the chance. And he was unsure what awaited him in Tova the day before the Convergence. It had to be now.

“I am a vessel,” he said.

“Hmm…?”

“I am…” He wanted her to understand, but he wasn’t sure how to explain it. He decided to start again. “I wasn’t always blind.”

“An accident?”

“No. It was purposeful. My mother did it.”

He felt her shift under his arm, knew she had propped herself up on one elbow to stare at him. “How? Why?”

“She had her reasons. It made me a proper vessel. My eyes served as an entry point for the power of a god.”

He felt her flop back down. Her arm draped across his chest. “I’m not sure I believe in gods,” she admitted. “I mean, you’ve definitely got something happening, don’t get me wrong. And your birds are undeniable. And the sun…” She trailed off.

“What is your magic if not the power of a god?” he asked, curious. “Is not your sea a goddess?”

He felt her shrug. “That’s not Teek thinking.”

“It is Tovan thinking.” He thought of the Watchers and the Sun Priest and corrected himself. “Carrion Crow thinking. The old ways.”

“Well, Teek is about as old as it gets.”

“What happened to you there in your homeland that you can’t return?”

It was only a moment, but he felt her stiffen, felt anxiety rise from her like a dark wave.

“My mother was an abusive monster, too,” she whispered against his chest.

He did not think of his mother as a monster any more than he did himself, but he understood what she meant and that this was a confession, so he did not counter her.

“She and my aunt drove me out. Told me that if I ever came back, my life would be forfeit. Banishment is usually a death sentence for a Teek. We don’t do well out in the mainlander world. We tend to meet poor ends at the hands of unscrupulous men or drink ourselves into an early grave.”

“Is that what you’re doing?” He had smelled the liquor on her breath when she arrived, remembered the balché from the sea crossing.

“I was giving it a shot,” she admitted. She pressed a hip against him as she rolled onto her back, and he moved closer to the wall to give her space, but there was precious little to concede. They lay skin to skin, the long slide of their bodies touching.

“How does it feel to be going home?” she asked. “You’re returning to your family, aren’t you? Once we get to Tova, you’ll go to Crow Clan. What did Loob call it? Odo? And then you’ll be like a long-lost son. Will they all have red teeth and haahan like you, I wonder?”

“I am not returning to be reunited with my family,” he said, his voice soft with surprise. Is that what she thought? “I told you I am going to see the Sun Priest, the Watcher in the celestial tower.”

“Sure,” she said, “but then what? What happens after that? I mean, once you’ve had your meeting with this priest, then you’ll go back to your clan. Or will you go all the way back to Obregi? It seems a long journey for one day.”